Jeff Flake Warns: 'I Did NOT Get A Good Price For My Soul'

ARIZONA: Jeff Flake, a Republican Senator from 2013 to 2019 had a warning for his Trump-Supporting former colleagues: I Did Not Get A Good Price For My Soul

Speaking from his Arizona mansion, Flake's mortal coil, bathed in a slightly freakish green light, explained that the former Senator really wanted to be both a bulwark against Trump's excesses and still represent the people of Arizona. It was a seemingly impossible task and when he turned to 'Outer Powers' he was able to offer up a deal--but it was not one he was ultimately pleased with.

"I am warning my fellow Republicans," Flake said, "There are probably other places you can go to sell your soul and you should definitely try one of them. I could have been, like, a legendary Jazz musician or, I don't know, gotten extreme skill with Motorcycle riding and be able to do death defying stunts or whatever. Instead? I'm washed up. I feel like I got taken, frankly."

The problem, Flake said, was that the only path to being reelected by Trump's base was to never, ever provide even the slightest criticism of President Trump. "I thought I could vote with him all the way--but still say things that ordinary people would like--like call him out on his many stupidities, racisms, and excesses--but it turns out? His base doesn't care about policies or his votes or anything--they just want to fight a culture war and they really like basking in his narcissism. So I tried selling my soul to make the impossible, possible."

Flake's husk explained that it appeared as the long hall of Maat with a gray-green sandstone at the end of which was a huge scale. "I think I passed Erick Erickson leaving on the way," Flake's body told us. "That should have been a red flag." On one side sat a feather glowing luminous white. On the other, a thing which he had trouble describing, plucked out from his chest and put on the other side.

"It looked like a lump of shriveled coal," Flake's animate remains said. "and it just went KER-PLUNK--all the way down. BOOM. I knew I was fucked. Hey--you're not going to print that are you?"

Upon his soul being found eternally wanting, his undead husk was cast back to earth and he was forced to resign from the Senate, Republican voters making it clear that any attempt at compromise, constructive criticism, or sound governance would be rejected by them.

"I should've known," Flake said. "I tried to put one over on the Libs and I got a shitty deal for it. I know McConnell got a better deal by promising to kill as many poor people as he could. I wonder if I could still get that?"