GOP Pundit Excitedly Orders New AR-15 for Coming Civil War


WASHINGTON D.C. When President Trump retweeted a pastor's Call To Arms for a second Civil War, former marine and MAGA Super-Booster Jesse Kelly knew what he had to do: order his Dream Gun because "IT'S GO TIME!"

"I've been waiting for this--I've . . . it kinda gets me hot--sweaty," Kelly said, of the coming Civil War. "I've written about this. Dreamed about it. My wife gets mad--sometimes I . . . talk about it when we're intimate."

Jesse Kelly who had written books about an imaginary second American Civil war felt like his dream was close to coming true. "Those libs hate us--they want to kill us. They want to hang us upside down and carve our flesh off--drag us through the streets on chains behind their Humvees--or, uh, Prius-things. Something like that," he panted.

Splurging on his dream gun was expensive, Kelly said, but it was necessary for the Hard Times ahead. "This baby has a super-scope that's shaped like an AT-4 rocket! It has a smooth black finish," he said, running his fingers along the gun. "It's got everything. I am ready."

Kelly felt his use of the weapon was within context of the Second Amendment which, he felt existed to help protect his government against the Tyrannical House Democrats who were trying to impeach a president elected by The Will Of The People.

When asked about President Trump who, in fact, received fewer votes from the American people, but won the Electoral College, Jesse said he felt the Electoral College reflected the Will of The People even if, for example, a crew of faithless electors were to give Trump the presidency had he lost every state.

"It's the will of the people who vote," Kelly said. "That's what I mean. That's what's important."

When asked about the possible charges of abuse of power and illegally asking a foreign power to help the president in a coming election, Kelly said that the Dirty Dossier 2.0--meaning the "so-called 'Transcript'" was a lie.

"That transcript was put together by the Deep State," Kelly said. "It's full of lies and misinformation--it's Fake News. Trump never said any of those things and it'd have been fine if he had anyway."

Kelly predicted that most Americans would back him in a Civil War despite polling suggesting the President is unpopular.

"I know the American People," Kelly said, "and anyone who doesn't back our President-For-Life Donald J. Trump just isn't a real American. It's that simple."

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