Proud Boy Devastated to Learn No One Is Proud Of Him
Proud Boy Arthur Corvin was enraged and depressed to learn that despite having recited the required number of breakfast cereals while being lightly beaten, he was not in fact a member of the Proud Boys that other members (or his family) were proud of.
Corvin, who wore an "ironic" My Little Pony Nazi Patch on his Proud Boys shirt (and a Make America Great Again) hat said that he had hoped that by joining the group he would find community, men steeped in what he called the "strong western tradition" and would be able to get a handle on the insecurities that had dogged him since primary school.
"I want more than anything for strong male role-models to be proud of me--and that pride--my pride--has been stolen. It has been hijacked by feminists and SJWs ("social justice warriors") who have stolen my man-hood. The big entertainment industries are working overtime to make me and mine lesser--reduced. They're making Thor a girl. They're making James Bond a girl. I just found out that Bambi--the deer in the movie? They made her a boy! Bambi is a stripper name."
The group, which has had numerous run-ins with Antifa and has been designated as a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law center shared much of Corvin's philosophy and were willing to have him as a member--but they were not, explicitly, proud.
"I don't understand the anime-pony," said Like Handsen. "I don't know why he wears that and we try to get him to stop wearing the nazi stuff because it's all the press takes pictures of. I don't get it. Is that a 4chan thing? Also: he keeps talking loudly about how he's no longer masturbating and shit--but when we went on a road trip out ot Oregon I could hear the bed squeaking for two minutes and 30 seconds every damn night."
Others pointed out that while he was a valuable online warrior, he continuously painted his own group in a bad light. "Yeah--Arthur thinks he's a keyboard Rambo," said Kyle Fisher, the head of the Toronto Proud Boys chapter. "But he's not all that bright. I mean, people keep asking 'are you a Proud Boy?' and we've kind of stopped asking him to identify as one of us. I don't want to hurt his feelings though . . ."
As of this writing, the Proud Boys were planning to support a Unite the Right II rally trying to build bridges with the remainder of Atomwaffen after their recent FBI bust. They noted that Corvin might be useful there as while he decries the neo-Nazi group's professed racism publically, he works well with extremist groups and is happy to focus rhetorical violence on their many target enemies.