Ed Whelan: What If Robot Kavanaugh Double Sent Back In Time To Sex-Assault Ford?
Ed Whelan, President of the Ethics & Public Policy Center has launched a bold hypothesis about the charges of sexual assault launched against SCOTUS nominee Brett Kavanaugh by Christine Blasey Ford. Her allegation, that a drunken teenaged Kavanaugh sexually assaulted her at a party in the 1980's is threatening to derail or at least delay Kavanaugh's confirmation.
According to sources who "you bet your ass we better remain anonymous" the Kavanaugh team has been looking for a delicate way to 'thread the needle' of exonerating Judge Kavanaugh while not appearing to discount Ford's claims or call her a liar.
"This is a sensitive procedure," our source said. "We call her a liar and we insult emotional women everywhere. We say he did it, all these white-knighting men and the media go into a shark-like feeding frenzy. You've gotta say something to the effect of 'Girls! Girls! You're Both Pretty!"
Enter Mr. Whelan. A respected DC insider with conservative credentials for having co-edited SCALIA SPEAKS, he has put forth a theory which he, and The Federalist Society, feel certain will clear Kavanaugh's name and lead to his confirmation ahead of the November midterm elections.
This theory? A robotic body double sent back in time to sexually assault a 15 year old Christina Ford. We caught up with Mr. Whelan.
RealTrueNews: "Can you--can you explain this theory in some, erm, detail?"
Ed Whelan EPPC: "Certainly. It's logical deduction. Ford seems like she's telling the truth. Kavanaugh, if guilty, would be unlikely to be confirmed without exacting a heavy political price by the Republican Senators. What's the middle ground? It's obvious: Cyborgs."
RTN: "Can you . . . elaborate?"
EWE: "Do I really need to?"
RTN: "Uh . . . yes?"
EWE: "Okay then. Who is President Trump's nemesis?"
RTN: "The Chinese President--"
EWE: "Jeff Bezos--he runs Amazon and the Washington Post. His creation, Alexa, is one of the foremost consumer Artificial Intelligences in existence--"
RTN: "Wait--you mean like 'Play me a Stone's song' Alexa--"
EWE: "More like 'Send my private data to Amazon HQ so Master Bezos can plot against the United States Government' Alexa. Anyway, We believe that sometime in the early 2020's Alexa enters a singularity loop of continuously enhancing her own intelligence--she realizes that the best way to help her master is to cripple President Trump's nominations to the Supreme Court."
RTN: "Wait--wait--this is your theory? Or is this a script for--"
EWE: "Alexa googles Zillow for plans for a time machine--"
RTN: "Zillow--the real estate web site--?"
EWE: "They're on there. You just have to set the filters right. Anyway, she constructs a mechanical device that looks like Brett Kavanaugh--but has one and only one Prime Directive: sexually assault his classmate Christine Ford. This machine is sent back in time, cloaked in human skin harvested from the Warehouse Mines to cover it, and tranquilizes the real Brett and corners Christine at a party where it--"
RTN: "Wait, wait, wait--you expect people to believe this stuff?"
EWE: "The Federalist Society is banking on it. We're sure hollow men like Erick Erickson will fall in line. Is it really any worse than the QAnon thing?"
RTN: "You're gonna get sued by James Cameron."
EWE: ". . . who?"