Man Terrified of Learning Anything New About 'Q'

Matt Coverson was one of several people diagnosed with Omniglophobia, a newly emergent condition that translates as "Fear of Letters"--specifically, the letter "Q."

"I saw one damn episode of Night Line or some shit and BANG--I was horrified. These guys believe in a world-spanning conspiracy of satanist pedophile democrats. I'm afraid to go outside now."

Matt isn't the only one. Across America, as the media wakes up to the reality of the Trump-supporting conspiracy-theory demographic, ordinary people report being terrified, despondent, or even enraged at what they see as an incredibly stupid conspiracy theory sweeping through the minds of roughly 50% of the voting public.

"I can't stand to learn one more thing--click on one more article--or see ANYTHING else about this," Mr. Coverson complained. "I get jittery just going to the Quiznos. It's disgusting."

Asked if he was aware of the Jade Helm 15 conspiracy theory or the belief that Obama had ordered a nuclear weapon used against the United States' east coast, he curled up into a ball and pressed his hands tightly over his ears.