Local Voter Hopes Alabama Shows America Their Values On Tuesday


Alabama "values voter" Toby Grumman of Blount County Alabama told reporters that he hopes that on Tuesday state Republicans send GOP candidate Roy Moore to the Senate to show the world that Alabama voters hold to their values against the liberal press and the Republican establishment.

"Look, it's simple," Grumman explained, "we all know that Moore probably did those things--I mean, if these accusations were against a Hollywood liberal or a Democrat you bet your best hog I'd believe 'em--but for a GOP nominee? We values voters have higher standards."

Those standards, he explained, were "about the homosexuals."

"Judge Moore has got his hat on straight. He agreed with Vladimir Putin--the Russian President--that the United States has gone deeply into sinful behavior with its imposition of gay marriage, acceptance of the homosexual anal-sex, and taking Christ out of Christmas--which Obama did by refusing to say 'Merry Christmas' or allowing his administration to do so."

"It's time to put Alabama values back on the map."

When asked if he believed the allegations of 9 women against Mr. Moore, some of whom were 14 years old at the time when he allegedly made strong sexual advances, Mr. Grumman was unconcerned.

"If he did do it, so what? Look, the bible teaches us that women--young women--older women--have this sinful alluring nature. That was Adam and the forbidden tree--it's all right there. If those girls did entice Mr. Moore it just means he's human like the rest of us. We're all sinners and, you know, this is just why the so-called sexual revolution was the start of our country's slide-into-sinfulness. Once women got the birth control they felt they could sleep around with whoever they wanted and they turned their wiles on many, many good, God-fearing men, who were unable to resist their advances."

"So while I do think this is a pack of lies cooked up by an unholy--and yes, I mean that word literally--alliance of the GOP Establishment like Mitch McConnell and the homosexuals and their agendas, I think we send a clear message to America by electing Moore. I mean to send that message."

When asked what exactly that message was, Mr. Grumman was silent for a while. "I suppose it's that we're tired of having a liberal media tell us what to do--tell us what to think--that our morals are bad. If we have to send a credibly accused pedophile to Washington to make that known? So be it."

Mr. Grumman's wife, Tammy Grumman, refused to discuss who she would be voting for but, out of sight of her husband, shook her head slightly from side to side as he spoke.

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