Mueller Files Sealed Indictment: Trump Team 'Probably Intern Stacey Stoll'
When news broke last night that Special Counsel Robert Mueller filed the first sealed indictment in the Trump-Russia investigation, outlets scrambled to try to guess who it was. Most fingered Paul Manafort, the most visible target of the investigation.
Sources inside the White House, however, were mobilized to tell contacts in the press (off-record / on-background) that the sealed indictment was of no concern and "probably" was targeting Trump Intern Stacy Stoll of Kansas City Kansas.
Ms. Stoll, a 23 year old pre-law student whose family arranged an unpaid internship is, according to three officials a primary source of trouble within the Trump campaign.
"She handled low-level communications--email--social media--and things like that," said one official speaking on background. "She re-tweeted that Iowa-Monsanto thing during the primaries. She was the one who pulled the images of Nazi soldiers for the Make America Great piece. She's been trouble since day one."
Another official noted that Stoll had done work at the data-firm Cambridge Analytica and was responsible for organizing storage and builds on "the cloud."
"Yeah--she left like two terrabytes of data unencrypted out on Amazon," said the official, shaking his head. "I mean--that was a huge fuck up. She also was with Don Jr. In that Trump Tower meeting taking notes on Manafort's phone. She's got quick thumbs but, you know--she's not the most organized thinker."
Other sources were quick to point out that she was likely the person who secretly recorded and leaked Jared Kushner's speech to interns about his Middle East strategy.
"Well, she's big on social media--and, I mean, she just doesn't think things through. She's nice--she's, you know--she's not dumb--but she's one of those girls who just needs to grow a bit in the job."
According to private communications sent to a jittery congress and, more importantly, jittery donors, the administration's position is that Ms. Stoll probably did run email communications and make phone calls from senior administrator's personal phones attempting to organize the functioning of an often chaotic general election and conflict ridden first-hundred-days.
During this time, due to her lack of experience with politics, geo-politics, or international affairs and law, she "probably accidentally colluded with any number of entities inside and outside the United States. This would, of course, be completely outside of her knowledge--but if all you had was illegal wire-taps and a fake Democratically designed 'dossier' to lead you on, it could look like real members of the campaign were working with foreign hostile nationals."
"We are carefully reviewing Ms. Stoll's record in the Trump administration's Intern pool and will take steps to discipline her if necessary. For now, however, we feel there is absolutely nothing to worry about--and when the facts are on the table it will be obvious that neither Trump--nor any actual member of his campaign, such as Ivanka, was ever under investigation. Really, this has been a giant witch hunt to go after an intern who has already completely apologized."
"It would be a tragedy if she had to serve time in prison for accidental collusion with Russia, the Golden Triad, Chinese Intelligence, Twitter's Geo-Politics Offshore Black-Ops Team, or the Zuck2020 Psycho-History Operation--but it would be the mistake of an inexperienced beginner and we should consider things in that light."
"We also note that as reported by Sean Hannity, bombshell revelations are coming soon in the continuing investigation of Hillary's role in the Benghazi Massacre."