Trump Opens Successful War on Domestic Front: The NFL

Stymied on healthcare, moving slowly and uncertainly on tax reform, and with a growing crisis in North Korea and a worsening situation in Puerto Rico, Trump announced today that he had declared war on the National Football League and planned their "complete destruction" should they continue to disrespect the United States.

Showing a map his advisers had put together, he declared that he had just ordered opening salvos against the evil football players who were attacking this great nation.

"We have an enemy," he said, "one who lives among us. One that we can defeat."

"I believe," said Mr. Trump, "that enemy is unpatriotic Americans who kneel during the National Anthem. These malefactors are wealthy. They are talented. And, most of all, they are black. Americans will not stand for a disrespectful black person--not to the flag--not to the country--and not to them."

"Once we make it clear that the black people are protesting White America, we will be unstoppable. I can destroy the NFL. I can rally the base--if this had only happened sooner, we could be Moore in Alabama--but that ship may have sailed."

"Still," he continued, "with the dwindling numerical supremacy of the white race in America this issue can be used to force them to cohere into a populist, nationalist, and, dare I say it, racially aware body politic. Gentlemen, this is finally a war we can win--and I am certainly not quite tired of winning yet."