Republican Lawmakers: 'Use Democrat's Humanity AGAINST THEM!' (DACA)
Republican deal-makers have determined that the Democrat's weakness in having both a modicum of humanity and faith in American ideas can be used against them to secure funding for a border wall. The plan, as we are given to understand it, is to offer to allow Dreamers to stay in America (with some restrictions) so long as the Democrats approve funding for president Trump's wall.
According to our source: "Polling shows that deporting the Dreamer kids is really unpopular and, well, most people think that punishing a kid for the crimes of their parents isn't an American value. We can use that. The Democrat Party wants to be the party of American Ideas? Of Reagan-esque compassion for immigrants? HA!"
"Let them! We can use that as leverage for the wall. Our base will eat that up! Back when the liberals were all bashing America that might've been harder--but today? Today we can take these kids--who are doing all the right things--and we can crush them--ruin their lives--if the Democrats don't fold."
"Our base calls 'em hashtag-Democrat-Larvae so there's no downside for us. This is great stuff. Seriously! I think we have all the real power here."
Asked what would happen if Congress was unable to come to a deal even with Democrats agreeing to fund a wall, our source was sanguine.
"Back when Obama proposed this, no one on the Republican side would vote for it because Obama wanted it. We made that poison! But now? Eh. We've still got the whole 'Mehican' thing--but our racialists want a big Fuck-You wall more than they care about some kids staying. We can play up the Asian hotties who would get deported. Make that the face of DACA and we're good."
Asked what would happen if the Democrats called the bluff and allowed Trump to end DACA, he was more concerned.
"Well, Trump's a little flimsy, it's true. He likes to think of himself as 'having a big heart.' Remember--he used to be a Democrat! But we can put pressure on him. Fox and Friends will do a special on 'criminal DACA guys.' We'll use MS-13 footage. The base will eat it. Trump'll buy it. We'll get the wall up."
"And then we'll get rid of the DACA vermin for good. If those Democrats trust us they're complete idiots."