Trump: I Am Pretty Sure I Can Do Brain Surgery
President Trump, stung by repeated failures over Obamacare repeal, an infrastructure bill that won't get off the ground, and tax reform, announced that he felt capable of performing "brain surgery." Wearing a mask and hair-cover, and with an aide carrying scrubs, Mr. Trump appealed to Congress to "go under the knife."
"I think that if we show the American people that you have faith in--and fully support your president--which you have not, even though I was responsible for many of you having your current jobs. Yes I was. Even though you have shown a lack of support, I believe that now we can show the American people that we, as a party, are able to handle tough challenges."
"Brain surgery," Trump told the assembled House representatives, "is considered one of the most difficult challenges there is--people say 'oh, brain surgery! You have to be really smart even to try that one. Well, I can tell you that I am one of the smartest people you'll meet. One of the smartest--people--some people say even the smartest. But I don't."
"But let me tell you--I am one of the brightest guys. And I think that we can tackle this together. I am asking anyone who voted against repealing Obamacare--which you have all sworn so many times--so many times--to repeal and replace--to step up now and agree to some brain surgery. I promise it'll be beautiful--a beautiful thing. You will be so happy after this--so many people will say 'Wow, I wish that had been me--' that we will regain the trust of the American people."
A quiet house regarded him in silence until he ordered two of his Private Secret Service members to select Jeff Flake of Arizona, an outspoken critic of the President's healthcare plan, for the procedure.
"McCain is the one with the tumor," he shouted as he was restrained in a gurney. "It wasn't me--you've got the wrong senator--Mr. President--Mr. President PLEASE!"
House Speaker Paul Ryan said he was disturbed by the display but would not let it get in the way of doing the people's business.
"People didn't send me to Washington to fight off highly trained security operatives to try to save Jeff Flake's life," Ryan said. "They sent us here to lower taxes, provide choice in schools, and to get America working again. That's what we're focusing on. That's what the media should be focusing on."
Eventually, Flake's screams grew weaker and then finally stopped altogether.