In Wake Of Don Jr. Scandal, Trump Unveils New Surrogate

Following a chaotic response to revealed emails showing Donald Trump Jr. and other senior members of the Trump campaign team met with a lawyer hoping to gain opposition information from the Russian government, Trump unveiled a new "Media Surrogate" he described as "Jim."

"Jim" is a modified predator drone enhanced to carry a fuel-air munition (the so-called 'Massive Ordinance Air-Blast' or MOAB bomb), spray-painted gold, and decorated with a Trump 2020 campaign sticker, hat, and logo.

"Jim is going to carry my message to the failing, lying liberal media," Trump said, indicating that Jim would be making an "appearance" on MSNBC's The Morning Joe. "He's going to 'have a chat' with the failing New York Times. He may put in an appearance on CNN, in fact."

The White House press corps were disturbed to learn that Jim might even be "making an announcement" for the "liberal members" at a site off the White House grounds.

"They say it'll be Sean Spicer's last appearance before the media," said CNN's Jim Acosta. "I understand Breitbart isn't going. I . . . . don't think I'm going either."

Susan Monroe of Alabash Kentucky, a senior citizen who collects disability and who voted for Donald Trump, said that if Jim were "express the nation's feelings about the media" by leveling several New York city blocks with a blast estimated at roughly 10 tons of TNT it would only strengthen his support in "'the homeland.'"

"I think people are getting fatigued with all the absolute hatred for our country and our president," Monroe said. "I know people who can't stand to watch TV or listen to the radio any more because the media hates anyone who isn't a coastal insider--a swamp-thing, I call them. Would I like to see them all die in a deflagration-wave amplified incendiary explosion? Yes! I would. I just hope it wouldn't be too quick."

She also suggested that "Jim" might visit San Francisco to "chat with the homos" in the course of Making America Great Again.