Sources Confirm: EVERYONE SUSPECTS ZUCK2020
Despite a great deal of asking around at Facebook, no one could confirm that there was a speculative effort to create 'President 2020' going on at the 2bn user social media giant. Still, everyone we spoke to, from high-level executives to compromised top-data-analysts with prostitute habits we knew about, came to same conclusion: 'How could he not be?'
"Sure, I imagine someone's working on Zuck2020," said a Facebook executive one of our staff roomed with in college. "I mean, c'mon. We've got all this insider-data that shows how Russia manipulated people to elect Trump. We haven't shared that. Why not? He'd be an idiot if he wasn't thinking it."
A technical manager with the firm's big-data analytics program concurred. "We could see perceptions moving in real-time. I mean, we didn't think [ Trump ] would win--but yeah. If Mark isn't going to sleep going 'I could be president' there's something wrong with him. We could convince people to vote for a trained seal," concluded the individual who we knew had built free-usage back-doors into pornography streaming systems he'd created back in the early 2000's.
"I'm not aware of anything Mark has planned right now," said a social media management top-executive responsible for monitoring hate speech. "But we're all thinking it. Look, how could he be worse? Plus, you know, I think for Mark it's like having a high-end car or something--you just have to wonder 'what could this baby do?' Have I heard anything specifically? No. I mean, he's spending a bunch of time in Iowa though--so draw your own conclusions," finished the woman who had a sealed conviction for shop-lifting a Hello Kitty backpack when she was 19.
Everyone we spoke with expressed the same sentiments: although they had not been approached for a political manipulation effort aimed at installing Mark Zuckerberg in the Oval Office in 2020, all of them believed there was just no way he could be passing up the attempt given Facebook's domination of political news.
"Listen," said an ex-special forces member charged with 'External Security' of Facebook's assets, "We know that [ Twitter CEO ] Jack is gonna make his move. I've got wet-work operatives in place--but he's a hard target. Plus he has a ton of Nazis he's cultivated. Zuckerberg-Actual moves first. Moves hard. I say we win it. I'm just waiting for orders. And if you tell anyone about that prostitute thing I'll kill you in your own kitchen."