Senate Health Bill Passes!


Senate Republicans were uncharacteristically demure today after the long-awaited announcement that the Senate draft of the Obamacare repeal bill had finally passed. A ceremony, as with the passage of the House Bill would be held in the rose garden by president Trump.

"The passing of the Senate bill is a huge win for the Takers, the moochers, and the looters," said Senator Rand Paul. "As Ayn warned us, the lazy feel a growing sense of entitlement to the sweat of our patriotic laborers."

Senator Ron Johnson, a vocal critic of Obamacare also praised the bill's passing. "The Senate bill was flawed, to be certain. The optics just weren't there. I mean, we told people we were going to get rid of O-care--and we are--some day--but damn it, there are parts of that thing people really like. Plus, you would not believe how many of my constituents suddenly have a sick aunt using the ACA or something. It's ridiculous."

Ted Cruz, formerly at odds with Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell spoke at the ceremony. "I have to be honest. It's good to see McConnell suffer--I can't lie. I like that. But I'm also trying out a new mode here as a deal-maker. After I failed to absorb all of Trump's voters, I had to ask myself some hard questions: am I not openly racist enough? Is my face really infuriating? Why doesn't my own family like me? I decided that the thing to do was play ball until 2020 and then primary Donald. I'm younger."

Senator Mike Lee was asked to speak but only did so off the record. "Look," he said, believing he was not being recorded, "We've been lying to our voters for years. We're not able to stop now. We hold a ceremony. Tell them we repealed Obamacare. Leave it in place--and everybody's happy. Hell, I'm not sure even Trump knows it failed: he never bothered to even read the House bill. If we can just tell everyone what they want to hear, I can probably win next cycle on name recognition alone. What do you think?"

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