Fox & Friends: We're Saving the Goddamn Republic

In a taped discussion, the subjects thought was not an interview with FOX television's morning show Fox & Friends the co-hosts discussed the mounting pressure of "saving the goddamn republic." Steve Dorsey noted that the position the show held was one of international--and even strategic global importance.

"He turns it on every fucking morning and if the screen doesn't love him who the fuck knows what he's going to do? He could be bombing Pyongyang tomorrow if we say his Tweeting is causing favorable-erosion with the base--or that the Mueller investigation could have--and probably should have--been avoided.

Co-host Brian Kilmeade felt similarly.

"We have a show lined up 'Greatest President Besides Lincoln--or Better Than Lincoln?" and people are afraid that's not good enough. First, the producers keep saying that, if we're in a time of crisis, we need to swap Lincoln for Reagan--because they're afraid that after Trump said 'a lot of people' don't know Lincoln was a Republican he might not know that much about Lincoln--but also because even suggesting he might not be the best could be hazardous."

"Look, we have a Syrian fighter down and Russia making noises about escalation. We've got a shooting in Alexandria by a Sanders guy--this whole thing could be coming apart and the guy doesn't even listen to briefings. I mean, fuck it: We're the briefing."

Female co-host Ainsley Earhardt discussed the sexist overtones of her part of the job.

"I had to look up 'fluffer' on Urban Dictionary after a senior staff meeting discussing show content and my dress code. They're saying that for each DEF CON reduction I should remove an inch from my hemline. Look, I get it--maybe it'll be better now since Melania has moved in to the White House--but does it totally feel like Alies is back? Yes. It totally feels like Alies is back. I hope Gretchen levels them." She paused. "I'm just afraid he might nuke California or something--you know, 'illegal invasion'? I mean, it could happen. With this guy? It could happen."

Observers agreed that the FOX morning show had taken on geo-political importance. David Sikora of Stratfor observed:

"Just as Twitter, with a 140 character limit and instant gratification is the preferred mode of comms for this administration, so too might video be the preferred means of consuming information. We are advising the IC and Pentagon on the creation of a secure YouTube channel in the hopes of providing needed strategic updates should an active crisis emerge."

"Right now we are also advising that Matthis never be allowed to travel with the president on an air-craft and that he be moved to a secure location in the event of a domestic catastrophe. For as long as he lasts, he's our best--perhaps only--hope. Until then, we need Fox and Friends to stay on the air and keep doing their job of holding the Republic together."