Republicans Release Rumored Stealth-Bill To Repeal Obamacare


With growing concern over the content of the Senate version of the AHCA, the Senate, today, unveiled the full text of the bill which will be voted on before July 4th. It had been rumored prior to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell's unveiling that the GOP had developed a new kind of 'stealth technology' for proposing bills without allowing their opposition to fully read them.

Today those rumors were confirmed.

"The entire text of the bill has been made available to all members of the Senate," explained Mr. McConnell, holding up a printed 150pg booklet so dark that it appeared as a featureless black rectangle. "Each page of this has been sprayed with Vantablack, a material comprised of densely packed carbon nanotubes."

The material, so black that it absorbs almost all light, including laser beams, rendered the entire bill not only illegible but even appearing as portal into some other dark dimension.

Senate Minority leader Chuck Schumer was incensed but acknowledge "nothing in the rulebook prevents a bill from being sprayed with an ultra-low albedo space-aged material. The founding fathers didn't see it coming."

Other observers acknowledged that voting on a bill whose reflective index was 0.045 made it difficult to judge the impact.

"It's like voting on a black hole," said Marco Rubio, who explained that he had 'concerns' about the bill's presentation but ultimately felt that a YES vote would serve the people of Florida better. "I mean, if the Democrats tried this we'd crucify them--but with the climate of obstructionism, this is the sort of thing we have to do to pass a bill these days."

Other Senate-watchers felt that the bill's CBO score, still unreleased, was probably going to need to be obscured in some similar fashion.

"The scoring of the bill is expected to leave millions of people uninsured, strip protections from those with pre-existing conditions, and even dramatically raise prices for insuring some children. Older folks who do not yet qualify for Medicare will be hardest hit, seeing their premiums go up some 700% in some projections. Those covered today under the Medicare expansion will see their benefits phased out over 7 years. Diabetics, for example, could well find medical care priced out of reach. Clearly we can't publicize that," said a source close to McConnell. "It would be a bloodbath."

"I can see the score and attendant document being delivered with 4096-bit asymmetric encryption key--or possibly a translation to something like Sumerian. The blow-back from this thing will be intense if released in plaintext--but if it's a big block of cypher-text, I think we can pass it without much difficulty."

Paul Ryan in the House of representatives had no official comment--but off the record he said he hoped that the bill would remain in its "stealth form" to give his members the necessary "cover" when the bill is reconciled.

Vantablack is being considered for numerous military and defense applications due to its light and radar absorbing qualities. It is produced and trademarked by NanoSystems Inc.

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