Trump: AHCA Too Obviously Mean. Ryan: Not Mean Enough!

In a meeting with House Republicans as well as Senate representation, Trump explained that the press-coverage of the American Health Care Act was "too negative." "It has a reputation for being 'mean,'" he said, describing the difficulty some representatives had explaining the bill to their constituents. He also raised concerns that the Ryan-McConnell amendments to the bill, necessary for it to pass the Senate and the House might draw even more criticism.

Although the text of the Senate version of the Health Care act is a closely held secret, sources close to those working on it say that in exchange for covering people with pre-existing conditions, the bill would introduce a 'negative reinforcement' mechanism which would act to offset the use of the insurance, thus lowering projected costs.

Elements of the 'negative reinforcement' were based on the benefits the plan provided.

Paul Ryan: "Ayn Rand spoke extensively about the tendency of Takers to use and use and use until the commons are all used up," he told the group. "People, left unchecked, will abuse their benefits, on things like unnecessary chemo-therapy, expensive MRIs, or trips to the dentist. We simply cannot provide affordable access to coverage if people are going to use it when they are sick. If that is what the public wants, and we are unwilling to reduce the profits of major insurance companies, there must be a mechanism to deter the abusive usage of these overly-generous plans."

"Such elements include: having books knocked from users hands as they travel down the hall, vigorous adjustment of undergarments known as a 'wedgie.' In other cases we are implementing time-tested techniques such as temporary lawful detention in a locker or the use of a flushing toilet for hair-care known as a 'swirlie.' We know that not only will these elements reduce the use of health-care, thus also reducing the cost, but they will also teach a valuable lesson to those who try to buy health care while either enabling a chronic illness or shirking their responsibility to have an employer and thus an employer-based plan."

For his part, the president said that he was concerned about the 'optics' of the plan. "My voters want to see people who have, for years, been taking advantage of the system now getting the short-end of the stick," Trump told the assembled representatives. "We don't want to see white working class voters with cancer or black-lung shoved into lockers or having their heads dunked into toilets. I need to have someone--maybe Ted Cruz--or Rudy--draft the bill in such a way as to exclude these demographics from the deterrents while still being legal. We can do that, can't we?"

After acknowledging that such a provision would probably be ruled unconstitutional, he said that he would revise his suggestion to be "Making access to health care more affordable for more people," noting that his demographics still held a slim minority in America.