Trump Settles on Sergey Kislyak As Director of FBI--Extends Trip Abroad 'Indefinitely'

Reporting from Europe, president Trump announced that he would be extending his "very, amazingly successful" Foreign Policy trip indefinitely. He also announced his decision to appoint Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak as the Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigations following his firing of former director James Comey.

"Sergey Kislyak has the knowledge and the will to bring this whole fake-news Russian distraction to a swift closure," Trump declared on RT (Russia Today). "With the pressure off and these ridiculous allegations of collusion, which, by the way, there is no evidence for, out of the way, we can get back to the governance of the American people."

Sources indicated that Trump is strongly considering Edward Snowden as his National Security Adviser and Julian Assange as his Deputy Attorney General after he has AG Sessions fire "that rat" Rosenstein.

As president Trump's announcement, made wearing a Cyrillic adorned uniform, sent shockwaves through congress, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said that while he definitely did not support a literal foreign coup by a 'nominally hostile enemy power' he felt that right now this was a distraction from "what the American people want" which is lower taxes, less health care for the undeserving poor, and restricted immigration.

"We can get another few Supreme Court judges appointed," Ryan told a raucous congress, "if we can just ride this out a little.Ginsburg isn't going to last forever, you know. Do you want to give up on that seat? It's a lifetime appointment."

Seeing the wisdom of his argument, the House majority quieted down and returned to the business of pretending to govern.