Trump Caves: "Who Knew Paying For What You Build Was So Complicated?"


Trump-Voters across the country were astounded and confused when news outlets reported that, as predicted, Trump would need to back off on his demands to include payment for a boarder-wall with Mexico in any new spending bill. Paul Hogan, Breitbart reader and Fox-News watcher was dumbfounded: "I was hearing that congress was falling over themselves to give Trump--and the country--a win. Everything we'd heard was that Mr. Trump's show-of-strength by dropping that bomb on North Korea convinced congress and the American people that he was not to be trifled with."

Although presumably speaking of the GBU-43 "MOAB" that was utilized in Afghanistan and not the spurious Carl Vinson that was said to be deployed to North Korea (but at the time was not) the real root of the confusion among Trump voters was due to their media telling them that the boarder-wall with Mexico was something popular with the American people which Mr. Trump could get support for.

In fact, most Republicans, especially Republicans who would have the wall built in their districts, do not believe that billions spent on a wall is the best way to ensure security of the southern border. Worse still is fact that, controlling both Congress and the White House, Republicans--should the government be shut down--would be widely and correctly blamed for the debacle.

For Trump's part, speaking to reporters, he said that in his long history as a successful builder, he had determined that the best way to build something was to have other people pay for it and then apply his name / branding.

"People know my wall would be big. It would be beautiful--at least on one side--" said the president. "But Congress doesn't understand how things get built. We could get Mexico to pay for it--but they say they won't do it. I say I'll hit them with the import tax and then all these farmers in Iowa or somewhere wet their pants. This is complicated stuff. Who knew?"

"Ryan," Trump said, "is such a pussy. Balance the budget? Since when did we care about that? That's the sort of thing that sounds good on the campaign trail--but I didn't get where I am by just paying my bills like a good little boy. You build it first and then you negotiate."

He shook his head. "I want to cut taxes--everyone loves that, right? But then I say I'm going to slash corporate taxes IF you give me money for my wall and instead of going win-win, they're like [ makes bent-wrist quivering motion with hands ] Trillion-Dollar-Hole-In-The-Budget. I swear, these morons. Don't they know we print money?"

When asked for comment about the president calling him a "Pussy," Paul Ryan rolled his eyes. "He's the guy who promised a wall, promised Mexico would pay for it, and now can't even put up a billion of his own money while raking in dough from the Secret Service for his own protection in his stupid 'Winter White House?' I think we have a word for guys like that . . . cuckservative?"

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