New Documents Show Paul Ryan BORN Ron Ronaldson! -- Trump Was Right!

Yesterday, visiting Paul Ryan's (R-WI01) hometown of Janesville Wisconsin, Donald Trump seemed to confuse Senator Ron Johnson with Speaker Paul Ryan several times:

“My thanks go to Speaker Ryan whose represented this city for nearly two decades in Congress. And you know where he is? He’s with NATO, so he has a good excuse, and I said, Ron, make sure these countries start paying their bills a little bit more. You know, they’re way way behind, Ron. I’m going to talk with you about that, Ron. Trump then pointed to Sen. Ron Johnson, and continued, “But Paul, you’re over with NATO, get them to pay their bills.”

This predictably led to some so-called news-outlets breathlessly reporting that Trump might well be mentally ill, going senile, or otherwise in some way mentally damaged. Although a favorite slur of the left, this episode prompted Devin Nunes (R-CA22) to leap from a moving Uber upon receiving previously classified intelligence from anonymous sources on White House grounds but definitely not connected to the administration.

After reviewing the intel, Nunes, Chairman of the House Intelligence Committee, briefed reporters: "It turns out that according to Birth Certificate Records--especially and specifically the recently obtained--and formerly sealed Long Form--Speaker Paul Ryan was actually given the birth name of 'Ron Ronyan Ronaldson.' Although I am not at liberty to disclose these personal documents that are, as I said, highly classified, it is clear now that the President was simply referring to so-called Speaker-Ryan by his real name."

"When he astutely realized that his audience was unable to follow, he, as he is wont to do, made a joke of it to keep everyone on track. We should all feel privileged to have such a caring and insightful chief executive gracing both American White Houses."

The administration press office reported standing ovations from the attending press corps at the end of these statements.

Trump-Voter Daniel Hiller reported that he was very relieved that this new information had been leaked as the allegations of mental incompetence had troubled him.

"I have a background in National Defense," said the highly-educated but 'reluctant Trump-Voter' Hiller, "and, you know, with numerous real-world crisis, some of which involve nuclear-armed countries happening around the globe, thinking that I'd voted for a mental incompetent could be stress-inducing, possibly even forcing me to conclude I made a mistake--"

"--but this new information really does put my mind at ease. I'm glad our Intelligence Community stands ready to defend the voters of this country. I was similarly pleased to hear that the allegations of Trump's wire-tapping turned out not to be paranoid rantings of a 70-year-old who acts more like a golf-playing retiree trying to move to Florida--but rather the fact-driven opinion of a cracker-jack Chief Executive who correctly fingered serial-liar Susan Rice!"

Despite recent revelations on both sides of the aisle that Susan Rice had, in fact, done nothing abnormal (not to mention illegal) in her conduct of her assigned National Security duties, Hiller said he felt vindicated by Trump's personal sense of vindication.

"Look," said Hiller, who, like most 'reluctant-Trump-Voters' still strongly approves of the President's job performance as to do otherwise would possibly reflect badly on them, "So long as he kept crooked Hillary out of office and keeps the Muslims out? I'm good. Don't quote me on that."