Naval Fleet Loses Way En-route To North Korea
This morning General Matthis announced that two additional aircraft carriers were approaching North Korea for a nearly unprecedented show of American might in the Sea of Japan. By the afternoon he was forced to issue a retraction, announcing that the nuclear armed fleet had, in fact, "gotten just slightly lost" somewhere in the South Pacific.
"From what we can discern at this time," a spokesman for the National Security chief explained, "The fleet actually was in the Sea of Japan off the coast of North Korea--however, believing they were actually near Australia, they moved in a retrograde motion to exit that sea and continue their search."
When pressed for reasons for the confusion given the ship's GPS, inertial compass, nav-sat, and, recently installed OnStar systems, the spokesperson conceded that it was "unclear at this time" why the mistake was made--but that the Navy was reviewing the logs and procedures and insisted that this would never happen again.
Insider sources told RealTrueNews that the command crew had "established that the Carl Venison, which was already deployed to the theater, could turn North Korea into a radioactive parkinglot with half its ordinance being used for a fucking-fourth-of-July that would give Chuck Norris a hard-on, and had cleared the additional carriers to hunt 'rare Pokemon' in the popular Pokemon-Go game, that were positioned via computer, at random in the South Pacific."
According to our source, "Those 'motherfuckers' now have a stable of Pikachus that the Air Force would 'spooge' over."