Ryan Tunes In to Judge Jeanine During P90X Routine, Injures Self!
Last night, sources close to Paul Ryan reported that the Speaker of the House tuned in to Fox New's judge Jeanine Pirro at 9 PM EST as per a suggestion from president Donald Trump, only to drop a 55lb. dumbbell on his left foot when her opening words suggested he "step down" for failure to pass the AHCA.
"It was shocking," said the source familiar with the Speaker's high intensity work-outs. "He was really upset after his signature plan--which he had worked for months, if not years on, was considered a complete non-starter by the Republican Party. He was in 'Beast Mode'--lifting heavy--going for big gains. He takes a lot of supplements--guy had enough caffeine, B-Series Vitamins, and ketamine in him to juice a race horse."
"So he turns down the Papa [ Roach ], plucks out his headphones and, as the president suggested, flicks on the TV. Then he's cranking the curls mixing them in with HIIT Burpees--and she comes on and BAM! He drops it right on his foot."
The source shook his head. "We knew things weren't going well--but Trump has, like, fifty gazillion followers, and Jeanine is a total MILF that all his gerries [ geriatric voters--a key element of Trump's base ] wanna 'eff. She gives 'em this look--and, well, I'd have dropped some weight too, if you know what I mean."
The source shook his head. "It's one thing to go after his career and his Aynn Randian ideology--basically just launching a sneak attack like that--like a Pearl Harbor, man. You know what I mean? Like Trump totally Pearled his Harbor--but f'ing with his routine? That's just utterly chickenshit man. NOT COOL."
A report from the Secret Service indicated that Ryan was rushed to the ER with damage to his foot. Although there was no formal comment, a source inside the Speaker's security detail revealed that "The roast-beef piggie didn't make it."