Just days after Donald Trump gave a speech that many in the media described as "presidential" and saw as the long-awaited pivot Donald Trump as an incendiary culture-warrior campaigner to a uniting presidential Commander in Chief, Mr. Trump once again took to his twitter account to issue a barrage of complaints about his predecessor, the FBI, his show The Apprentice, and the DNC.
White House press secretary took to the lectern to explain to observers potentially taken aback by the president's behavior that "if the president does it, it's 'presidential.'" Brandishing a print-out from Urban Dictionary, Spicer told the audience that President Trump's upset or annoyance at constant leaks, relentless criticism in the media, and Soros-sponsored outrage in the streets was, in fact, "Presidential Butthurt."
The term 'Butthurt,' defined on the website Urban Dictionary, is described as a state of being 'overly annoyed' at some perceived insult or slight. The president, he explained, was not overly annoyed, but was, he asserted, exactly the right 'amount annoyed.' Mr. Trump's outrage, he stated, was at the perfect level--the amplitude of annoyance that any average ordinary American would feel in the face of such indignity.
When asked if an "average, ordinary" American should have access to the nuclear codes that govern our nation's atomic arsenal, Spicer advised the reporter to "break out of his left-coast elitist bubble." That's what our great nation's populace voted for," he said. "We had a level-headed 'no-drama' guy in the White House for eight years and how did that work out? The American people think it's time to 'go nuts' and that's exactly the campaign promise Mr. Trump will deliver on."
Asked if that meant that military intervention in, for example, North Korea was on the table, Spicer replied: "With Mr. Trump, nothing is off the table--with the president there isn't even a table. He detailed questions from the chief executive to the pentagon asking about "captured Alien weapons, prototype cyborgs, and super-duper expert martial artist ninjas" which he felt the nation's military should be able to deploy--but was holding back on.
Asked what the response had been to those questions, Mr. Spicer regaled the crowd with stories of his previous stint as the White House Easter Bunny, ignoring follow-ups about an occupant of one of the seats wearing the costume silently throughout the press release.
When asked by Mrs. Millicent Montgomery of West Virginia, a random Skype user who had accidentally dialed into the White House press-room's 'Skype seats' and was put through because she happened to be wearing a 'Make America Great Again' Trump-campaign cap, she asked if "All this tweeting was really going to bring back American jobs"--and if there was some better way the president, for whom she had voted, could be doing better things at 6:20 AM, such as meeting with advisers or catching up on an extra hour of sleep for the long hours he presumably worked, Spicer seemed taken aback to have a serious, well-posed question from the electronic press-corp.
"Tweeting is an American job, madame," he said. "Tweeting is what all of our so-called journalist do. It's what won Mr. Trump the election. It's communicating with the American people in a language we can all understand and agree on. It's un-cut, like the . . . purest cocaine. That is what Mr. Trump brings to the table and will continue to bring to the table, even though I just said there isn't a table. Now, jobs thing: Asked and Answered. Next?"
Reached for comment in her home, Mrs. Montgomery said she was even more confused after the Press Secretary's answer than before. She also stated she was "not sure" that was really press secretary but "things were getting to where she could believe almost anything."