Senate Launches By-Partisan Investigation Committee Into Trump-Russia Ties

Facing new allegations that Trump's Attorney General, Jeff Sessions had lied under oath about meetings with Russia and that the out-going Obama administration had taken explicit steps to preserve data about Russian interference in the 2016 election, Senate Republicans sprang into action calling for, and organizing a "By-Partisan Investigation Committee."

Said Mitch McConnell: "This committee will get to the bottom of, once and for all, these absurd and groundless allegations of Russian meddling in the 2016 Election. We feel certain that our elite investigative group will reveal that there was no interference of any sort--and will do it all without any tax-payer dollars being wasted!"

The cost of the investigation would, in fact, be borne by a variety of Super-PAC's, think-tanks, and a few private companies which would enable a thorough investigation into the partisan, Democratic allegations, made purely for political purposes.

By 11:35 AM on Wednesday, the investigative group had reported:

  1. Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak with whom both Sessons and Flynn both met and then denied meeting is, in fact, master hypnotist who specializes in being able to meet with, and then erase memory of, patriotic Americans.

  2. Wikileaks and The Intercept are both totally not Russian mouth-pieces and have no relationship to our premier regional ally. Furthermore, traitor Edward Snowden is not residing in Russia as erroneously reported by the failing New York Times. He is instead being sheltered illegally by Nancy Pelosi.

  3. The DNC not only rigged the Democratic Primary for Hillary Clinton, but actually assassinated Bernie Sanders and replaced him with a body double. Video of a chair being lifted at the Nevada DNC convention was created with CGI.

  4. A secret server in Trump Tower that had electronic communication with the Kremlin hosted Baron's Call of Duty games and had nothing to do with quasi-legal election manipulation or the transmission of raw video of Mr. Trump being urinated on in order to force his compliance in the coming Baltic Invasion.

  5. CNN totally publishes Fake News.

  6. Ivanka Trump's jewelry line is absolutely awesome and every patriotic American should be forced to buy some. Let's make that a law, hey?

  7. Racists are American too--and deserve a voice in the highest levels of the White House where they were shut out for the past 8 years.

  8. Let's all move past this election and get started on the next one. Right away.

The By-Partisan Investigation is already seen as a great success in Congressional circles. The group is expected to expand its efforts into Benghazi, the appointment of Lois Lerner's appointment to the IRS by Obama (the record says she was appointed by Bush--but the investigation believes they can over-turn that), and a look into the Fast and Furious operation to see if they can figure out why the ones without Vin Diesel didn't make any money.