GOP Lawmakers Demand Aquatic Cameras in All Public Schools -- "How Else Will We Know??"

Last night, following the Trump administration's lifting of protections for transgender students to use the bathroom that matches their gender identity, Republican lawmakers sprang into action. The Utah delegation led by Bob Bishop (R-UT) and Jason Chaffetz (R-UT) called for a bill requiring aquatic cameras be installed in all toilets in any institution receiving public funding.

"How else will we know," said an animated Bishop, "if this law is being followed and properly enforced without evidence? If our heroic police can be forced to wear body-cameras on the flimsiest of allegations, I think we owe it to parents, teachers, and students themselves to protect their safety by having a video record that ensures that the genders are being properly segregated. I may even volunteer some of my time if it will serve the public good!"

Early objections from new Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos were overcome by the added provision that only public schools would be covered under the bill.

"If parents don't wish their children to be filmed on the toilets," she said in a statement issued from her office, "they can send their kids to a private school--one with, hopefully, more biblical values."

Shocked Democrats raised objections citing potential violation of privacy laws and even child pornography. Chaffetz, Chairman of the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform dismissed the concerns. "We have numerous volunteers from the great state of Utah who are of unimpeachable character and are willing to undertake close viewing of the footage in the privacy of their own homes. In fact, our office has been flooded with requests to sign up for the program."

When asked if this ruling could lead to violence against transgender students as backlash against the filming, Chaffetz was unmoved: "They decided to change their genders--they can just decide to change 'em back. And anyway, when we were growing up these kids would get some sense knocked into them--a little bullying will do them some good."

He then took questions of the Oversight Committee's decision to block inquiries into Donald Trump's conflicts of interest and Russian connections. "We are still trying to get to the bottom of Secretary Clinton's illegal email server," Chaffetz said, "and Benghazi. Right now our manpower is limited--so one thing at a time folks. One thing," he chuckled, "at a time."