President Trump Interviews for Secretary of the Army at Winter White House

President Trump has had difficulty filling National Security positions with the compliant millionaires or billionaires he feels a connection with. After Secretary of the Army nominee billionaire Vince Viola was forced to withdraw his nomination due to unresolvable conflicts of interest (of the same sort that Mr. Trump, himself, has chosen to ignore), and following Ret. Admiral Robert Harward's refusal for the position National Security Adviser after witnessing Mr. Trump's rambling 77 minute grievance-filled press conference (which GOP leader Rush Limbaugh described as 'highly effective'), president Trump has brought in several "outside the box" candidates to try out for the position.

Granting an audience to well heeled Mar-A-Lago guests for the interviews, Mr. Trump spoke today with Mr. Nathan Higgens of Bowlderville OH. Higgens has never served in the armed forces but has been an outspoken ally of Mr. Trump online, with over 43 thousand Twitter and Facebook followers. An avid "prepper" or "survivalists," Mr. Trump told supporters that "Nobody understands the challenges that face America today like Nathan does."

"He knows that the press is the A-Number-One enemy of the people. That Radical Islamists--and let me tell you, there are more of them in the United States than people know--are swarming over our borders. They are coming here to do very, very bad things and they must be stopped--stopped dead. Higgens has told me personally that he is aware of the radicals and terrorists in the Black Lives Matter movement, the boiling campus hate-groups working to tear down this nation--and the radical feminists who seek to purge men from video-gaming."

For his part, Mr. Higgens was somewhat taken aback at being vetted for the position. Said Higgens "I think I'm as qualified as anyone to lead the national armed forces. I know what it's like out there. I've seen the things our fighting men go through. But . . . secretary? I don't mean to sound critical but I thought I was going to be in charge. I mean, that sounds like a girl's job and do I look like a girl? No--I do not."

At last report, being unwilling to accept a 'secretarial position' over his current unemployed status, Mr. Higgens had refused the offer and returned to 'spend more time' with his Call of Duty teammates who "needed his leadership skills badly."