Pentagon Quietly Orders "Fake Nuclear Football"

Our sources inside the Pentagon tell us that the National Military Command Center has put an "emergency rush requisition" on a "Decoy Nuclear Football." For reasons unclear, the device is intended to appear to be a complicated Nuclear Command and Control system that will allow the user to "appear to launch retaliatory or preemptive nuclear strikes, provide bomb-damage assessment, and connect to personnel assigned to 'play the part of' nuclear submarine commanders, high-altitude bombers, and The Head of ISIS Who Wants To Surrender."

The early view of the closely guarded device comes with a telephone-like apparatus, a colorful keyboard, and a large red "Launch" button under "safety glass." Designed to be the size and approximate weight of the "real Nuclear Football," the "decoy device" otherwise bears little resemblance.

It contains a personal computer with various "movie-style" graphics showing strike-zones, theaters, and troop-deployments. It has built in bio-metrics, something the actual Nuclear Football lacks. Exactly why this is being created or why the Pentagon is keeping an incredibly tight lid on the project, despite the expense and sense of alarm surrounding it, are unclear.

We'll let you know more when we find out what's going in.