Leaked TSA EO: "If You Like Their Phone You Can Keep Their Phone"
The Trump administration, facing the prospect of needing TSA and CBP agents to continue to enforce what insiders are calling "extra-judicial orders" (Administration policy that contradicts a court-order), has drafted a new National Security Policy allowing security agents in the TSA and Customs and Border Protection agencies to seize and keep traveler's cell phones and tablets "if they like them."
Said a spokesman for White House policy director Stephen Miller: "We need a way to motivate these patriotic agents in a way that congress, which controls the budget, can't interfere with. The answer, of course, is to utilize National Security protocols which we think are poorly understood by just about everybody."
"It's our understanding that there is a 100-mile radius in the United States where agents can demand passwords from people entering or exiting the country. After you have the password, well, you check out the device, the apps, even the images saved--you never know--there could be something hot. Then, if you--the agent--like their phone, you can keep their phone. Just seize it in the name of National RICO-Something-Or-Other and make them sue to get it back. Oh--and you also get their data-plan. Ask about that!"
Believing that this could increase morale and effectively increase compensation, the administration is moving forward with their new Executive Order process which involves a theatrical signing before anyone in congress or with actual governing experience gets a chance to "look it over and interfere." Reince Priebus, White House Chief of Staff, told RealTrueNews that he is no longer allowed to see Executive Orders after telling president Trump that some of them were "insane."
"They were considering making it a crime to have a Voice-Network say 'Press 1 For English.' I told them that wouldn't hold up--so I don't get to look at EO's anymore. Frankly, I'm sleeping better," Priebus told us, while clearing his office for Kellyanne Conway's new communications director. "A Xanax and a bottle of wine and I'm out like a baby."
TSA Officer Allan Richmond (pictured above) showed off an iPhone 8 prototype that he had confiscated from an Apple executive re-entering the country.
"This thing has no-bevels, a wrap-around touch-screen with taptic-controls--no buttons at all. It uses wireless charging and has a 48-hour battery life under constant usage!" Richmond enthused. "It's a next-generation device with a faster processor, improved graphics and screen capability, and a new, proprietary blue-tooth protocol which seems to be called Apple-Stream."
When asked if the executive had protested them taking his device, Richmond laughed. "Well, yeah," he said. "But we shut him up real good.You'd be surprised what the TSA can get away with." He chuckled. "By the time he gets a trial and sees the light of day, I bet the iPhone 9 will be old news!"