Secret Service: Nordstrom Has 'Credible Threat' Against Ivanka Trump
The Secret Service announced today that they had been apprised by the president of a credible threat against his daughter Ivanka Trump by the Nordstrom department store. Following its remit to investigate threats to the president and his family, agents are said to be "following up" to assess the nature, severity, and capability of the threat in question.
Secret Service spokesman Edwin Donovan said:
The president informed us--and directed us to his Twitter account, where he said that Nordstrom had declared an attack on he and his family. In private discussions, president Trump spoke of the "Fashion Commandos" which he said [Stephen] Bannon had told him were female Jihadi-Nazis trained in special weapons and tactics operating inside well-dressed areas of the United States.
"Number 45 told us we had to shut this whole thing down and eradicate or exterminate the threat. President Trump told us that 'the gloves were to come off' and we were to eliminate Nordstrom 'by any means necessary.'
Apparently, due to the severity of the threat, Mr. Trump has declared himself unwilling to leave the White House while the Nordstrom department store is in operation.
"He's very afraid of it," Donovan said. "He's afraid for his family, of course--but he's also afraid they could do something unthinkable."
When asked what the 'unthinkable' could be, Donovan paused.
"We have been told there is a credible plan in the works to reinstate Ivanka's product line--but to only carry it at Nordstrom Rack." He explained that the president had tried to dispatch drones, CIA 'assassins,' and has directed the NSA to "take them down."
Sources inside the White House told us that in a briefing with the first family, Ivanka had tried to assure him that there wasn't really any danger--but Trump had refused to listen claiming he had heard that Nordstrom sold "hijabs" and that they were siding with Hollywood and trying to sabotage the White House Correspondents Dinner. He told her that he would use every power of his office to strike back.
At the same time, sources told us, other White House staff were huddled in the Situation Room as a Navy SEAL team took causalities under heavy fire in Yemen where Trump had ordered a night time strike against a hard target, theorizing that Osama Bin Laden might actually be alive and living there thanks to intelligence gleaned from Alex Jones' site InfoWars.