Panicked Republican Thought-Leaders Struggle To Find False Equaivalence

Last night Fox released a partial interview with President Donald Trump that is scheduled to air before the Super Bowl. When Mr. Trump was asked about respecting Vladimir Putin, the transcript reads:

"I do respect him, but I respect a lot of people," Trump said, "That doesn't mean I'm going to get along with him."

Trump said he would appreciate any assistance from Russia in the fight against ISIS terrorists, adding that he would rather get along with the former Cold War-era foe than otherwise.

"But, [Putin] is a killer," O'Reilly said.

"There are a lot of killers," Trump responded, "We've got a lot of killers. What do you think? Our country's so innocent?"

This comes at a time when, recently, an anti-Putin activist was poisoned--potentially by agents of Putin himself.

Republican scientists were mobilized late Saturday night to try and find a viable false-equivalence between Obama and Trump to deflect criticism of Trump from the left and to create a window of viability for previously-conservative Trump-Defenders to use. We managed to get an inside look at the process.


Chalkboards filled with equations, screens showing news-clips, and flashing red-lights with the legend: COGNITIVE DISSIDENCE FRACTURE along the ceiling. Older white men in lab coats work furiously writing and erasing equations, typing into keyboards, and gazing into view finders.

The mood is GRIM.

ROBERT PERCIVAL, a "G-Man" in a business suit, arrives by elevator and speaks to KURT SCHRIVNER, one of the top scientists.

ROBERT: What's the status?

KURT: Not good. Not good. We've tried the Obama-Prayer-Breakfast Crusades speech. It's . . . not equivalent.

ROBERT: How can that be? He mentioned the Crusades.

KURT: That was more anti-Christian than anti-American. Plus, it was a long time ago. President Trump's is current. That's much worse.

ROBERT: What else have we got--man, we need something. The Super Bowl is happening TOMORROW.

KURT - Wipes SWEAT from his BROW

ROBERT: What about the 'apology tour'? Can we use that?

KURT: We checked. It wasn't actually filled with apologies. He spoke at Hiroshima but never said he or America was sorry. It looks like we were reading into that.

ROBERT: Dammit man, are you telling me that Trump equated America to Russia and we might have to OWN it?

KURT: We'll find something. People are suckers. If we have to make something up, we'll do it.

ROBERT: Do that. Get some fake news going. Suggest that Obama called America a cancer on humanity. That's worse, isn't it?

KURT: Marginally. I think Facebook might block that.

ROBERT: We'll use that. Censored is credible. Do it--we're not going down for this. Gotta circle the wagons.

KURT: But sir . . . what if Mr. Trump . . . believes it.

Both men stare at each other in HORROR.

ROBERT: Doesn't matter. All that matters is that we win.

KURT: Yes sir.