Speaker Ryan 'Okays' Trump's 'Independent-Judiciary,' Blinks Out Code For 'H


Speaker of the House Paul Ryan held an impromptu press conference at the Wisconsin Museum of Natural Science where he was meeting with soon-to-be-laid-off school teachers. When pressed on President Trump's alleged late-night call for an "alternate judiciary" which would be nominated by him, approved by congress, and answer only to the Customs and Border Patrol, the FBI, and the US Marshalls Service (all of whom have shown an affinity for president Trump), Ryan admitted that the "Three parts of government might be 'outdated' and the country was probably 'ready for change.'"

Mr. Trump, frustrated with Judicial bodies interfering in his leadership, and having, according to automated polling, something close to 50% approval from likely voters, declared that it was time for a change.

"We can run this nation with just the executive and that other--the building with the big dome--whatever that is--" Trump said, according to insiders with the conversation. "I know the American military will support me--that SEAL team was flying the Trump flag! We don't have to let these weak-kneed judges put our country and my legacy in danger!"

Speaker Ryan, asked about this "independent judiciary" said: "Well, we all--all of us in the Republican Congress--we all respect Mr. Trump's base which is largely responsible for putting us where we are. If you think that we're going to overturn the will of the people because of a 200-year-old document, you clearly don't understand Democracy--Republic--Democracy--whatever."

Blinking rapidly with, what some experts thought could be a version of Morse-Code for "H.E.L.P. M.E.," Mr. Ryan continued: People are talking about impeaching Trump or standing up to him. That's--that's very dangerous. Mr. Trump is a fair and merciful man--but when angered--as the press is constantly doing, well, it's like poking a bear."

He trembled, turning pale. "They're talking about bringing back black-sites, people. I've seen the plans. Trust me: this independent Judiciary is better--better for me--better for my family--my children--and most of all, better for America."

He then fled the stage.

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