FakeNews Crisis: Conservative Experts "No Way To Tell"

Conservative media was rocked today when a panel of experts concluded that, for conservatives--especially Trump-voters, there was literally no way to tell so-called real-news from fake news. Sounding alarm bells, the group hosted by the American Intellect Initiative, a right-leaning think-tank devoted to solving 21st century problems, ended with ominous warnings and few solutions.

The exercise began with a number of stories concerning Obama's Executive Orders--the experts were forced to choose between articles claiming Obama had signed Executive Orders to seize the United States

vs. stories "debunking" those claims.The panel, all highly educated political science conservatives with Masters or Ph.D. degrees, concluded that while individually they were able to form an opinion, for the conservatism as a whole, such a conclusion would be impossible.

"Look here," said Mark Bauerlein, an Emory University English professor, "We know that Obama's over-reach was exemplified with his 'phone-and-a-pen' perspective. From that first-cause it is very, very difficult to say whether Obama is trying to nationalize private farms, order the military to fire on civilians, or anything else.

"Certainly," he continued, "the White House web site shows none of these--but that's just electrons and cyberspace. How can we know if it's real? Certainly we must--in order to be conservative--believe Obama wants to do those things. Musn't he?" he asked, his voice trembling slightly.

"And if you know he wants to then trying to debunk so-called fake-news that says he did--isn't that . . . liberal? A liberal thing?" He looked pale and sickly as he spoke.

Even more disturbed, Gavin McInnes, frequent Fox News guest told us: "If you're a liberal and someone tells you the moon is made of green cheese, you can go to NASA, astrophysicists, or even a good biologist or geologist. But if you're a conservative, there's just nothing similar."

"This creates a crisis of confidence for educated conservatives because we generally rely on having some form of measurable data to make decisions with."

Even at the highest levels of education and training, however, the panel concluded, distinguishing fact from fiction was beyond the capability of ideological conservatives.

"Suppose," McInnes said, "We had 97% of scientists saying one thing--and 3% saying the other--for liberals, that would be pretty clear--but they are blind, absolutely blind, to the greater conspiracies that shape our world."

He also cautioned against taking stories or numbers at any kind of face value. "If you believe the employment numbers or the stock market figures then Obama had, by most common measures, a very successful presidency--That violates one of the axioms of conservatism so severely that no Republican or even center-right moderate could ever trust it."

"We have to look at things like home-ownership decline--thanks to the housing crisis that grew during the Bush--"

He stopped himself, looked down, and then looked up into the camera, wide-eyed.

"You. Can't. Trust. Anything." he moaned, between pauses. "It's. Too. Painful--"

He then collapsed below camera level saying that "Until America is Great Again Conservatives will need to treat all sources of information save those from approved venues like Fox and Breitbart as entirely suspect or else life would be unthinkable."