Trump: We'll Take Payment For The Wall In The Form Of Actual Mexicans

It started with a statement: Trump would build a wall and Mexico would pay for it. As we now see the first flurry of executive orders, like a newly molted butterfly spreading its wings for the first time, real questions have been asked: How, exactly, will we make Mexico pay for our national defense?

Trump had a quick answer: a 20% Border Tax on Mexican Imports--it created shockwaves in Washington--and more questions such as "How exactly would that work?" and "Might Mexico retaliate?" and "Wouldn't that raise the price on, like avocados for avocado-loving Americans?"

All around spin-machine Sean Spicer leapt in to action, announcing that the 20% Border Tax was only an example of how Donald Trump might make Mexico pay for the wall. We decided to ask him ourselves and used our purloined White House press-pass and the general chaos surrounding his administration's failure to get almost anything right, to enter the West Wing and meet Trump in his private dining room.

There he told his actual plan--his plan to make Mexico pay for the wall.

"The Mexicans," he drawled--"they will continue to send their people over--their horrible people--and we will be ready. I have a private agreement with Enrique [Nieto, president of Mexico] to ensure we get a steady flow, as people would say--"

Of Mexicans, we asked. Wasn't the wall designed to prevent that?

"Oh, it's like a dam," Trump said. "There are sluice gates that channel--that let some through--into our clutches."

We asked, with growing unease what those 'clutches' would entail.

"Oh, things," he said. "Did you know that if a man--this is back a long time ago--if a man ate human flesh they called it long-pork? And a person who ate it would take the title 'Long' before his given name? Like 'Long' John Silver?"

He smiled, looking over the plates of exotic meats his staff had prepared.

"We can use those Mexicans. They'll be sent--oh yes, and they'll be used."

He then fished a human finger out of a bowl of soup.

"I think that's Kellyanne Conway's," he said, before crushing it in his jaws. "She's got nine-lives to go!"