Intrepid Republican Scientists Explore: "What Gave Us Trump?"


A group of deep-thinking high principled conservative intellectuals embarked on a brave examination of the 2016 election--seeking a definitive answer to the question "What gave us Trump." These brave men are some of the foremost thinkers in the conservative space. They represent the Republican's party's best chance at understanding the election that surprised so many.

This is a partial transcript of the event recorded by a RealTrueNews observer who was allowed access to the proceedings.

INT - Westchester Holiday Inn Express Garbanzo Conference Room

Five stalwart, intelligent patriots sit on worn chairs on the stained carpet. They look TIRED and TENSE.

BOB BOWERS

I’m pretty sure it was when they attacked our freedom of speech? Right? All that college-campus stuff?

NOAH ROTHSCHILD

I don’t know. I don’t know. Most GOP voters were never accosted on a college campus. Could that really be the case?

BOB (FROWNS)

Does it matter? It was in the news. Especially on Fox. What about the RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS?

RICK RICKSON

It was when they attacked us for our CHRISTIAN BELIEFS.

BOB

Yes! Right! The Indiana Pizza Place! That was a BIG ATTACK.

NOAH

Right--it was a MEDIA HIT JOB. Who orders pizza for a GAY WEDDING.

RICK

They also made EQUAL RIGHTS equal to FEMINISM.

[ EVERYBODY SHUDDERS ]

RICK CONTINUES

That gave us TRUMP! The SUPREME COURT voted over the AMERICAN PEOPLE and gave us GAY MARRIAGE!

NOAH

I’m pretty sure that was JUSTICE KENNEDY.

RICK gives him a HARSH GLARE.

BOB

For me it was the SECOND AMENDMENT. After SANDY HOOK they TRIED TO TAKE OUR GUNS.

[ EVERYONE NODS ]

BOB

That gave us TRUMP.

DAVID HILLER: Wait, did they pass anything after Sandy Hook?

BOB: Twenty Three EXECUTIVE ORDERS.

[ EVERYBODY SHUDDERS ]

RICK

I’m not sure anyone ACTUALLY DIED in Sandy Hook. Maybe it was A PLOT?

BOB (STUNNED)

WHAT?

RICK

Like #pizzagate. What if Sandy Hook was like that?

BOB

You’re watching too much INFO WARS, Rick.

RICK

I saw it on a CBS ATLANTA station. It’s REAL.

DAVID

It’s not real. It’s fake news.

RICK

Oh yeah? Well Obama’s EXECUTIVE ORDERS did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to GUNS. But he outlawed saying MERRY CHRISTMAS. That’s an ATTACK ON THE FAITH.

NOAH

He didn’t. Rick, that Didn’t HAPPEN.

BOB

Wait--Wait--those EXECUTIVE ORDERS were just a PRELUDE. They HATE OUR GUNS!

[ Everybody Nods ]

RICK

They HATE CHRISTIANITY more! [ Becomes ANGRY ]

DAVID

Fellows--I think we can ALL AGREE they call us RACIST and XENOPHOBIC for NO REASON. [ tries to calm group ]

BOB

They did. It’s TRUE--there was NO REASON. Obama’s birth certificate had NINE LAYERS. Who BELIEVED THAT?

[ Everybody LAUGHS ]

NOAH

That was because of the optical scanner--it wasn’t--

BOB

Are you saying it was FAKE NEWS?

NOAH

I--No, just that--

BOB

Why do you hate America, Noah?? Is it because you’re JEWISH?

NOAH

You have to be joking.

RICK

He’s TOTALLY SERIOUS. Why are you telling JEWISH LIES, NOAH. Is SOROS PAYING YOU?

DAVID

Let’s calm down, everyone.

NOAH

Yeah, guys, geeze. [ Stands abruptly ] I gotta get some ai--

BOB

[ Cleares his CONCEALED CARRY and SHOOTS NOAH ]

BOB

He was coming RIGHT AT ME.

RICK

He WAS. Good thing you were CARRYING.

DAVID

I think THIS is what gave us TRUMP.

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