Fiscal Conservatives Seek Compromise On Border Wall With 'Repatriation Catapults'
Fiscal hawk and Speaker of the House Paul Ryan unveiled a plan for immigration that he hoped would "strike a balance" with President Donald Trump. The Border Wall, costing between 8 and 14 billion dollars would not, in Trump's plan, be offset by any new revenue. Combined with increased Military Spending and tax cuts, budget forecasts see Trump's plan adding over 10 Trillion Dollars to the National Debt.
Paul Ryan announced that he had added a new plank to his "A Better Way" budget-plan for America: the Repatriation Catapult.
Said Ryan: "Following several meetings in which Trump discussed imaginary voter fraud and immigration plans involving publishing immigrant-crime stats we realized that the chances of getting spending under control were minimal at best. So we've proposed, in my own words, 'A better way."
"We believe that Trump, presented with a battery of golden mechanized units outfitted with long range launch-catapults and adorned with the Trump-Logo, would agree to build only a partial wall, allow for deeper tax cuts and reduction of welfare entitlements, and agree to at least a partial budget plan."
The 'Repatriation Catapults' would be capable of launching a family of 4 up to 750 miles, the distance from San Antonio to Mexico City. Said Ryan: "The spectacle of launching illegal immigrants back to their country of origin--or nearly so--would generate incredible TV revenues and we have good reason to believe it would resonate strongly with the Real Americans of our voting base."
"Trump understands TV," he continued, "we could have last-minute lotteries to use other methods such as suicide trains filled with humane carbon-monoxide or even reprieves where sympathetic immigrants, such as Dreamers are sent to prison islands where they can be hunted for sport by wealthy donors."
He continued, "This Better-Way plan would not only Make America Great Again--but could also, for example, distract from escalating tensions with China or Russian encroachment. We see it as a win-win and we know that major outlets Breitbart and Fox will be on-board."
Asked if launching human beings, including women and children, at escape-velocity speeds in a ballistic arc towards a major city would create protests, Ryan answered: "I think I speak for all of us--especially Dr. Ben Carson--when I say that political correctness has gone on too long. Americans who vote won't be effected by this, unless, of course, they voted illegally. Liberals will always find something to complain about. In short, no--it's time to put America First and stop worrying about the rest of the world over our own needs."