White House Spox: Media Coverage Proves Traitorous Intent

The first Trump-administration opening with what the America media mostly described as an "easily provable lie," White House Spokesman Sean Spicer informed the assembled reporters that the stands were filled with 'Real Americans' who could only be seen by people who 'Love America' and are 'Without Treason in their hearts.'

Pointing to what appeared to this reporter to be empty bleachers, Spicer described the overall-wearing, gun holding farmers, plumbers, and steel workers who made up the crowd.

"Just look at their beautiful white faces," Spicer told the reporters. "Their blue eyes--their golden hair. Look at their strong bodies and solid, simple minds. These are the Real Americans--the Americans you have conditioned yourselves not to see--you can't see them now because you are traitors and Islamic terrorists. Your time," Spicer said glowering, "is coming soon. Your TIME," he thundered from the lectern, "is passed!"

He then covered the first 100-day agenda of the Trump foundation:

  • People with less than 323 followers on Twitter will lose the right to free-speech. All Americans will be forced to follow Donald Trump's Twitter account(s).

  • Jokes about hand-size are no hence forth considered hate speech and will be dealt with harshly.

  • ICE can detain and expel anyone darker than a standard brown paper bag.

  • Police brutality is a thing of the past: there are no longer "liberal restraints" on the use of force by officers either on or off duty.

  • A congressional investigation into the Department of Energy will be started immediately to determine what exactly it does / has been doing.

  • Any company not advertising on Brietbart.com will pay a 35% "Fair Tax."

He then, refusing to take questions fled the room--to be heard screaming "THERE ARE FIVE LIGHTS" from the chambers behind the press room.

We're as confused as you are.