Cabinet Member Dr. Ben Carson Calls for Immediate Construction of "Strategic Grain Reserve"
Dr. Ben Carson, noted neurosurgeon, young earth creationist, and cabinet member of president elect Donald Trump has issued a call for immediate construction of a massive underground "Strategic Grain Reserve" silo to be positioned beneath the Washington Monument. In a statement delivered from Trump Tower, Dr. Carson stated:
Just as Joseph in the bible was called upon to create a life-giving supply of sustenance, so too have I been called upon to do the same. I will use my position as a member of the president's team to begin the construction of a "Strategic Grain Reserve" similar to what we see today with the nation's oil and gasoline reserves.
He paused for several minutes, closing his eyes and seeming to be asleep. He then resumed: "Just as this guidance saved the ancient Egyptians, so too will it save this nation which God had almost abandoned--but to which He has returned with the election of Donald J. Trump. Thank you."
He then noted that he would be hosting an 8:30 AM Imprecatory Prayer Breakfast for outgoing president Barack Obama and former nominee Hillary Clinton Washington National Cathedral.
Egyptian antiques minister Mamdouh el-Damaty, when asked about Carson's plan, responded: "While it is clear to every archaeologist, Egyptologist, and student of history, that the pyramids were built as tombs for the pharaohs, it is equally clear that the American people have rejected expertise and historical learnings in favor falsehoods that produce a feeling of comfort or righteousness. As such, Carson's plan to build a grain silo under a national monument styled after an Egyptian obelisk will fit perfectly with the new American administration and we wish him the best."
The diagram that Carson provided includes an above-ground "Grain Control Station" located in the former lobby of the Washington Monument. Carson explained how a Grain Security Substation would be manned 24 hours a day with armed special forces troops given "weapons-free clearance" to protect the national reserves.
A grand gallery would be decorated with pictures of the gifted Neurosurgeon and have alcoves where interns could be walled up alive if they were, in some future instance, deemed insufficiently patriotic and charged with treason.
An emergency escape route would stretch from the gallery entrance to the Grain Control Station in the event of a "unfortunate set of events."
There would be two major storage silos, a primary and a secondary silo, each with heavy blast doors, air filtration units, and bio-metric scanners. There was some discussion of filling the secondary silo with a toxic chemical agent to deter raiders who might "come for the grain."
The final detail provided were mysterious "inverse ventilation shafts" which seemed to stretch down into the earth. When asked about them, Dr. Carson simply closed his eyes and spoke in a gentle voice until the assembled reporters fell into a deep, dreamless slumber.