Author's Note: this piece is mocking the whole #pizzagate laughable conspiracy theory. The joke here is that the "pizza map" that people keyed on was a map for Podesta's Dungeons and Dragon's rockin' 5e role-playing game--but RealTrueNews (and the pizzagate believers) are too stupid to figure it out.
If you came here believing in #pizzagate, you're being played.
It was just minutes after the last, devastating WikiLeaks dump that sharp-eyed people going through the Podesta emails came across an absolute block-buster: There were encoded messages in the emails related to something--something bad.
From:firstname.lastname@example.org To: Announcements@law.georgetown.edu Date: 2015-07-30 14:09 Subject: Help!
Georgetown Law Faculty and Staff,
My parents are visiting this weekend, and I need to sell my enormous collection of beanie babies! I've approximately 480 little creatures of joy, and I'm selling each one for $20.00. You must buy all 480, though. It is a collection (not an auction)... They are very respectful and amicable with one another, and they are (for the most part) cat and dog friendly. Some are sassier than others, naturally.
Please let me know! My parents can't find out.
Peter Mattingly x9599
In case you can't read it, it's a grown man claiming he has to "sell his beanie babies" before "his parents arrive." What could this be code for? Drugs? Kids? Pills? We're not sure yet--but we've kept digging.
Twitter use Cam Adair finds some more code-word mumbo-jumbo here:
Are they even trying to fool anyone? There's more--strange meetings. Odd food-choices. Cryptic references? Twitter Jared Wyand thinks he has broken the code!
But here's the BIG ONE:
A handkerchief (there IS a "handkerchief code") with a MAP--that appears to be "pizza related"? This could blow the doors off everything. We went deeper into the WikiLeaks--and what we found was startling. The follow up to that email--from John Podesta reads as follows:
It reads as follows:
Don't Let My Players See It
That handkerchief is my sketch for Level 5 of Castle Eisendorf. Brock's rogue is trapped in a water-chamber and Hillary's sorcerer is almost out of spells and HP! They're going to face a Glabrezu with 180 HP--I rolled!) and I doubt Mook's Paladin is up for it but if he can get back together with Sid's fucking munchkin'd Dragonborn Barbarian. High drama--Can't wait!
I've got a bunch of new WhizKids figurines that I've custom moded. Reapers. Red Skeletons. And Pit Fiends. Gonna have the room lit with sandalwood scented candles and a couple of vintage Lava-Simplex Lava Lamps for atmosphere!
So I don't need the map, I've got a scan of it--but make sure the others don't get a look. I know Mook especially plays for *any* advantage he can get. Haha! I want to see them squirm!
Oh, and don't worry about the pizza. I think we're ordering Chinese tonight.
John "Killer DM" Pod
This densely coded message is clearly the Rosetta stone to cracking this whole thing open. After frantic study, it is clear that the entire Clinton machine is involved in a satanic sex-ring operation. For example:
Players: This is all just a sick game to them. Sid is Sidney Blumenthal. Mook is her campaign director. Brock is David Brock who runs Correct the Record.
Paladin: One of foremost warriors of Charlemagne's court (historically). Here is he clearly an enforcer. The security force if you will. Dragonborn is a reference to the Grand Dragon level of the secret society the Ku Klux Klan.
Glabrezu: A demonic name. One of the "entities" they are "communing with" (sandalwood candles are used heavily in occult seances).
Hillary's Sorcerer: This is the high-priestess of the Satanic cult. Probably Marina Abramovic, who appears in other emails doing "Spirit Cooking," a form of Satanic food ritual.
Water Chamber: An execution chamber, a drowning pool used in sacrifices. If a "Rogue" is trapped in a "water chamber" it may mean that Hillary is ready to sacrifice David Brock.
WhizKids: Reference to Nate Silver's fearsome enforcer Harry Enten.
Killer DM: DM is "Dungeon Master" a Sadomasochistic Dominant who tortures his subjects.
Folks, this is dark and scary. It's much, much bigger than "pizza."