Obama Orders Firearm Confiscation

Armed with hundreds of thousands of rounds of ammunition, bullet-proof vehicles, and a "standing warrant" for no-knock raids anywhere in the United States, Obama ordered the TSA (the Transportation Security Administration) to begin conducting firearms confiscation ahead of the November 8th election. Speaking from the Rose Garden, President Obama said that given the rise in violence of the campaign, the specter of foreign interference, and charges of electoral fraud, it was better to temporarily remove all firearms pending the final vote.

"We want voting, a constitutional right," the president intoned, "to be a safe, sane, and orderly affair without intimidation, violence, or threat of violence." The president noted that in addition to confiscation of firearms, there would be armored security at polling places across the United States.

"Local police forces have been equipped with state of the art gear for just this eventuality," said the President, "I can assure you that they are ready for any degree of disturbance from any source including improvised explosive devices, white nationalist terrorists, or the practical consequences of defaming the prophet [Muhammad]."

TSA agents, wearing a motley selection of masquerade masks to conceal their identities have been photographed with blue-helmeted commanders bearing the United Nations insignia. Reports from local police stations are that uniformed Homeland Security officers are pulling concealed weapons permits to determine who has possession of "unnecessary" firearms.

Our sources say that local Walmart stores are being equipped with fences, concertina wire, and special illumination towers to serve as firearm collection / detention points for compliant and non-compliant citizens. Reports of FEMA plastic coffins being loaded onto trains for distribution are highly disturbing. Even moreso, the creation of surgical-steel guillotines which allow for summary executions while leaving the body suitable for organ harvest.

Local news centers have been given embargoed orders for citizenry to remain calm and observe a curfew in the days leading up to election.

We will keep you posted.