Comey Takes Call From Loretta Lynch: IT'S ON

According to sources inside a heavily armored stealth-capable FBI mobile command center, James Comey (Dir. FBI), had gone "rogue." After issuing his letter to congress about reopening the investigation against Hillary Clinton, he apparently got a call from US Attorney General Loretta Lynch. Sources familiar with the phone call say that it ended with a grim statement from James Comey:

I don't have your Washington friends. I don't have your political allies. But what I do have is a set of skills gained over decades of work with the FBI and a cadre of loyal agents who haven't yet quit. If you continue to support this criminal administration I will track you. I will find you. I will bring you to justice.

Speaking in front of a wall of guns exotic fully automatic weapons, some of which were equipped with internal silencers and custom-load ammunition, Comey delivered his statement in a low, hoarse, gravelly voice that frightened even his allies.

"It's all in now," a source said. "Lynch is summoning her acolytes like Donna Brazille [ recently fired from CNN for helping Hillary cheat against Sanders ] and calling back Eric Holder to the White House to form a protective ring. I don't know what's going to happen . . . but it's on."

We understand that Comey is traversing the country, undercover in his state-of-the-art unmarked vehicle picking up GOP icons such as Ted Nugent (with a guitar reputed to be inhabited by the ghost of Gene Simmons), and John Voight (appearing on Showtimes Ray Donovan). There are even rumors that Comey is seeking the currently missing, possibly deceased Chuck Norris before serving his final warrant.

"We know that Michelle is teamed up with Lynch," our source said. "she's an expert with thrown knives and Kyokushin Karate--she can kill a man with a single punch. Oh, and can bench almost 800lbs--more than the best Olympic power lifters." He shook his head. "It's going to be really rough. I think Comey may have to pick up (House Speaker) [Paul] Ryan. We're going to need his firepower."

According to sources in the J Edgar Hoover building, Ryan is capable of curling 160lbs in each hand and crushing a baseball with his amazing grip. His ultra-dense pectoral muscles are also highly resistant to damage--even gunfire. "It's like he's wearing a vest," our source said, "even if he has his shirt off--which he almost always does."

Unfortunately, our contact said, there were rumors of a traitor in the patriot's camp. "Someone has been giving intel to the enemy. They've been one step ahead of us so far. We can't figure out who it is--we understand Ryan has some information that's too hot to give out on the phone so we're going to risk going to the Capitol to pick him up."

"We're hoping it's not a trap, or something" our source said. "That would be bad."