The world has been focused on Hillary's rapidly declining health--so much so that she was forced to pretend to open a jar of pickles on TV to prove she was capable. We understand that not only was the jar already opened (you could tell there was no pressure seal pop) but they'd actually greased it in the back room and everyone was still holding their breath.
The question now is: what's wrong with her. As we noted before, a lot of experts think it's brain cancer. It could be vascular dementia--or something else. As long as her medical records are sealed as tight as Obama's school grades, it'll be tough to find out.
But that's where we started getting tips--and what we heard was terrifying. It's no secret that fetal stem-cells, taken from aborted babies are considered by liberals to hold the secret to extreme longevity. Studies have shown that various, currently, thankfully, illegal techniques can, in lab rats, hold off or reverse cancer, prolong life, and provide increased energy.
This comes at a terrible cost, of course: the harvesting of unborn children.
We knew that Planned Parenthood was selling fetal tissue at a profit to researchers--but what we are hearing now is that there's a group of what you could call the Power Elite--billionaires, Washington Luminaries, select high-ranking members of the military admitted to ensure their loyalty, and a smattering of liberal Hollywood entertainers who never seem to age--that are on the "buy list" from Planned Parenthood for a cocktail of infant-based Stem Cells that, with secret medical processing can stave off death even in some of the most dire of circumstances.
Our source wouldn't speak (and we don't blame them--they're close and they might well not survive a leak) but they directed us to the FEC Campaign filings for Clinton:
Perhaps ironically, the first page of their expenses is all GOT JUNK
It all looks pretty normal--and there's a LOT of it--but they directed us to a specific line item--we downloaded the filing and:
BOURNE 2 FLY got 53 thousand dollars for CPR Training? This shadowy Washington DC based health group provides "Corporate Wellness Services. Their name is the Democrat parties idea of a joke based on the Bourne Identity series. When we looked into them:
Documents were hard to come by. As far as we could tell they sold the business a month ago, possibly to legitimate buyers, but there was a court case. The records were sealed but we were able to obtain this: a shipment of "goods" from Planned Parenthood to The Bourne Identity. What were the goods? See for yourself:
53k For CPR Training my ass. These people are pumping their candidate full of something horiffic.
When we pressed for specifics on the treatment, we were told:
"It's a'slurry.' They mix up the various stem cells, flash-activate them with a radiation burst, and then inject it with some sort of hormonal catalyst. They need the brains because she's falling apart upstairs. I've heard several personalities, amnesia, violent outbursts, the works."
When asked about the amount of the expense, our contact said:
"This is way more black-magic than medicine right now. These people have doctors on staff--Eastern European guys. Guys who got thrown out for whatever reason--usually for experimentation. She's superstitious too. She wants Asian brains for her mix--but the demographics don't support that. It's causing a lot of tension. The doctors thing brains-are-brains, especially at the stem-cell level--but Clinton has specific desires."