Obama Makes 4th of July Illegal (New Holiday: May 5th)

Obama has long waged war on the patriotic celebration of the 4th of July. This year, for example, despite clear skies over Washington, Obama canceled festivities, preferring instead, to order all White House staff (regardless of nationality or heritage) to celebrate the Islamic holiday Ramadan. Now, in his last 4th in office, he has moved to kill it.

Issuing an Executive Order from the Oval Office last night, Obama has re-arranged the national holiday calendar with 60-day offset for all festivities due to Environmental Protection Regulations. Apparently having all Americans celebrate on the same day is too much for the ecology to handle so all Federal employees (and those who have Federal holidays off) will have their days of celebration moved up.

The new dates for 2017 are:

  • Thanksgiving: September 24th

  • Easter: February 15th

  • President's Day: Moved to August 4th (an exception to the rules, unclear as to why)

  • 4th of July: May 5th

According to the memo, the holiday names will remain unchanged (so Federal employees will have to celebrate "the 4th of July" on "May 5th"). Additionally, fireworks, nationwide, will be banned because of the impact of human-generated ozone on Global Warming.