Speaking today at a press conference, FBI Directory Comey recommended the INDITEMENT of Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton. Plagued with scandal throughout the 90's and culminating with an impeachment of her husband for lying to congress, it would appear the facts have finally caught up with her.

A recommendation to indite, coming on the heels of a pledge by US Attorney General, Loretta Lynch to abide by the FBI's decision, likely means a major change for Clinton's campaign. Although the Clinton camp could not be reached for comment, our sources indicate that Hillary had "packed bags," a "suitcase full of Clinton Foundation bills" and "a massive stack of blow" on a "hot plane" with three different contradictory flight-plans filed.

It is our understanding that right now Federal Marshals are outside her compound while aides are frantically flushing drugs down the ranch's toilets. Drone surveillance using infrared cameras and ground-penetrating radar show several hastily constructed tunnels leading from the ranch--some of which are still presently being dug.

Hillary, however, is said to be "not in residence." Following her four-hour interrogation with the FBI on Saturday, she was seen exiting a woman's bathroom via the window and getting into a car with a person later identified as Noor Salman, missing wife of Orlando shooter Omar Mateen. The two drove off in a cloud of exhaust, leaving trusting FBI agents waiting outside the door.

We will keep this story breaking as new information emerges.

FLASH-UPDATE: It is our understanding that the FBI's "recommendation to INDITE" was somehow NOT a "recommendation to indict." The former, apparently, means to write extensively and thoughtfully about--or some bullshit. There's no justice.