Obama: To Fight Terror, Give Up 3rd Amendment

Soldiers take up Forcible Residence in Round Top Texas

In the wake of the Orlando shootings, Liberals have been faced with a problem: Everyone knows we need more guns closer to the action but they don't want civilians to actually HAVE guns. What to do? Barack Hussein Obama, it turns out, being a "constitutional scholar," (allegedly) has a fool-proof plan: A Soldier In Every Home.

Acting by Executive Order last night, BHO passed the Public Safety Assault Weapon Response act. This act requires American military men who are judged "loyal" to take up residence in homes near where terror terror threats are detected. Acting under the "authority" of the Federal Government and using the RICO statutes as "cover," soldiers have deployed to Orlando, the suburbs of New York, Maryland, and Round Top Texas. According to those familiar with the program, there's more to come.

"Once they stop a terror attack," said a knowledgeable insider, "community organizers and leaders will be clamoring for Immediate-Response Neighborhood stations."

When asked if he expected backlash from homeowners who find new people living rent-free in their home, he dismissed the issue: "We've got a full-on media blackout and, plus, we're mostly using minority servicemen at this time--so if someone tries to get help evicting our protective forces, they'll be regarded as a racist. We think we're covered."


If you're reading this, you probably know where the problem lies: THE 3RD AMENDMENT prohibits this exact action:

No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

The White House insider scoffed when asked: "Firstly," he said, "we are at war. Haven't you heard? Secondly, an Executive Order is law. Today at least." When told, frankly, neither of those things were actually true, he pointed out that (a) with a divided Supreme Court, appeals will go nowhere: "We control the district courts," he said. "They can appeal all the way to the top--it'll just be divided. And wait until Hillary is elected--then it'll pass 5-4, like everything else on our agenda!"

Even worse was his (b) "No one knows what the 3rd Amendment is, anyway."

We asked around. It's frighteningly true:

Maria Cantwell (D-WA): "Isn't that the Women's Right To Vote? I think that's the one."

Kristen Gillibrand (D-NY): "The Third Amendment freed the slaves."

Heidi Heitkamp (D-ND): "I'm not sure. I think it's probably one of those early, outdated ones."

With representation like this, they might just get away with it, folks.