ISIS TERROR ALERT
ISIS has released a new video threatening action in three American cities: New York, Washington DC, and Round Top Texas. John Kirby, spokesman for the State Department, told media outlets: "The threat is real, we've intercepted insurgents with gas-pipeline diagrams and vials of what could be chemical or biological weapons."
They pointed out that New York city and Washington DC have the tightest security of any urban area in the Western world. "We are ready for any attack from any source," echoed Tany Bradsher, spokeswoman for Homeland Security. "With Obama stepping up the Terror Alert Level to RED, under the Patriot Act we are allowed to search any bag, any person, or any house or apartment given suspicion of unlawful activity."
"We will be using drones, linking to camera systems, and listening in on cell phones." She assured a nervous crowd of journalists that deployed troops in America's major areas would be on the look-out and "heavily armed with AR-15's."
Terrorism and security experts in the White House and the Pentagon were baffled, however, by the inclusion of Round Top Texas in the ISIS threat.
"It's a small town of little strategic significance," said Alfred Winder, a terrorism expert for the RAND corporation. "We can't think of any reason why ISIS would want to--or be able--to strike such a place.
Charlie Winter, an ISIS scholar, agreed that this sort of threat was unusual and confusing. "There is zero indication," he said, "that Round Top would be on their map. Terrorists are opportunistic--but their strikes have to have global resonance. Some tiny city in Texas won't cut it. There are no natural or strategic resources there of note."
A spokesman for the Obama White House said that "Although the terror level is elevated to give our forces full operating capability, we aren't really taking this all that seriously. ISIS makes a lot of threats--but 'Round Top'?" He laughed. "If it sounds inexplicable, it's probably not true."
In other news, President Obama and Democrat nominee Hillary Clinton praised the judicial decision to overturn Texas Governor Greg Abott's lawsuit to prevent the arrival of several Syrian refugee families to his home state.Although the governor's effort to prevent the influx of refugees will continue, spokeswoman Katherine Wise told reporters: "Right now there isn't a lot we can do about it. We can't even keep a close watch on them or their social media because of Obama's 'racial sensitivity' orders."
The Syrian families, who Immigration officials assure us are mostly women and children, will be settling in Archer City, Wimberley, and Round Top.