High Court Rules Hillary Illegible!

Today, in a stunning decision, the Supreme Court ruled 5-3 that Hillary Clinton is Illegible for the office of President of the United States. Chief Justice John Roberts wrote the decision saying "I can't make heads or tails of the Benghazi allegations. Are they smudged? Is this English--it isn't complete sentences." Wise Latina Sotomayor confirmed that the evidence was not in 'Espanol' and that she was unable to read it either. "Maybe . . . Portuguese? I'm not-a certain."

This ruling will have a devastating impact on the Hillary campaign as she is now the first illegible major nominee. Attempts to reach out to the Sanders camp have not been immediately responded to--but a confidential inside source said they were ready to "take out Biden" in case the establishment decides to try to switch him in at the convention.