Experts we spoke with inside the Pentagon stated that on America's Independence Day, "shit" had gotten "real." The shit to which our contacts were referring was the launch of an Intercontinental Ballistic Missile that, according to experts, could hit everything in Asia Pacific and all of Alaska.
"President Trump is afraid that they are getting close to real states," our contact said. "He's happy to let Hawaii go--but if the projections show they can hit California--well, let's say Arizona or New Mexico--states that voted for him? He's gonna pull the trigger."
The rocket, which for lack of a better name we are calling the Big-Dong 2, is probably not yet capable of carrying a nuclear warhead according to the analysts who observed the launch.
"It's like ... if you pack the DVD player you're returning instead of letting UPS Pack it? You know--you put some old socks in there to cushion it--but it's not enough and when they get it back, it's been crushed by a forklift or something and they won't take it back? Right now that's the stage they're at. Kim has his scientists working on getting the underwear balled up in there and the empty milk carton you wedge in--but even that's not enough . . . right now."
"But given a few months and they could be like the motherfucker who saved the Styrofoam packing shit the fucking thing came in," our contact said. "Imagine some anal motherfucker who saves that shit--and probably the instructions and the spare power-cord too--and has all that ready so he can return it when it breaks like one day before the warranty comes out? Who does that, right? Weill, imagine fat boy [ Kim Jong Un, the ruler of North Korea ] is doing it. Imagine he's that fucking motherfucker."
When asked about options, the contact said that the Pentagon was trying to convince President Trump that the NATO allies in the area were worth protecting in the event of an attack. "We've gotten Baron hooked on Akindo Sei Little Peso [ a popular Japanese cartoon ] and it's not over yet--so we're thinking he can pressure 45 to act to save Japan. Korea . . . is a little harder. He uses an iPhone so he's not really into the Android thing? He . . . knows Samsung. But he has a total hate-on for Kia. He also still believes flat-panel TVs are made in America--so he thinks they're competing with us for the wide-screen market."
He shook his head.
"Trump has gotten it into his head that somehow Japan or South Korea need to take unilateral action on this too. He keeps going on about how our strategic allies are bleeding us dry and stuff. He wants to make China do something--but when we suggest serious pressure, he asks his kids about their "loan situations" and backs off. I think Kim might have a real window here."
For his part, the North Korean dictator appeared very pleased with his progress. He appeared on state television, with a message to Americans: "Ha ha ha, you imperialist dogs! I show you some REAL fireworks pretty soon! Happy Fourth of July!! Hahahahah!"