As though gun owners didn't already have enough to worry about,. last night the National Rifle Association issued an emergency bulletin detailing the crew behind a dramatic increase in firearms robberies: President Obama and ex-first lady Michelle Obama.
"They are coming," Wayne LaPierre told a rapt crowd at the Ohio Pork Rind Flavor Doritos Convention Center, "They are coming for your guns--and your guns--and especially your guns," he said, pointing to petrified individuals in the crowd. "We all knew this day was coming--and this day? It's arrived."
Displaying a PowerPoint slide showing a great up-tick in gun-store robberies, LaPierre explained that, having failed confiscate firearms on his watch, the ex-president was now "taking matters into his own hands."
"This time it's personal," he said. "This time there's not court--no law--no judge that will stop him. We have photographic evidence of Hussein Obama and his wife smashing, grabbing, and smirking as they deprive law-abiding Americans of their second-amendment rights."
"We need to get back to the olden days," said Allan Higgens of Iowa City Iowa. "After Sandy Hook I couldn't keep anything on the shelves. As soon as a shipment came, poof--it was gone. I miss those days."
The NRA has said that while the threat of the Obamas is real and powerful, they are an unstoppable force. "You can't defend yourself," he said, "and the Secret Service detail that protects them is still helping them out. Mr. Trump is a man of honor and won't destabilize the country by moving against him either. Your only hope is to purchase so many weapons--so much ammunition--that he and his burly, muscled wife simply can't carry it all. You need to have something left after Hussein Obama takes what he can--it's your only defense."
Sources inside the NRA also confirmed that they are working on new advertising campaigns targeting liberals who are concerned about the Trump administration. "We've done some testing with Nazi symbols on day-cares and primary schools," said Jennifer Lawrence, head of the NRA's marketing division. "You can whip liberals into a frenzy with a few hate symbols, the odd beating, and indications from the federal government that such will be tolerated. We think with a little time--and a little luck--we can start convincing the left that they need guns to defend themselves."
It will take work, however, she admitted. "The left has been anti-gun for decades. Their trust in government--even in the Trump-era--is disturbingly high. They are aware of the real, declining crime rates, and their TV celebrities have thus far shown little interest in marketing weapons, gold certificates, or survival rations to their viewers. We don't understand it--on the traditional channels, trusted voices were falling over themselves to sell to income-limited retireees who, by nature, are easier to frighten."