Paul Ryan's Obamacare repeal bill, the American Healthcare Act, is said to be "Dead On Arrival." Facing opposition from the right (because it does not go far enough), the left (as Democrats fight to protect Obamacare), and the center (because it may leave Republican constituents uninsured), sources close to Ryan say that he has brought in a last-minute "script doctor" to "punch up the bill" before it goes to congress for voting later this month.
Insider reports say that none other than maestro Joss Whedon (Avengers, Buffy the Vampire Slayer) has been recruited, possibly under threat, to improve the bill's flow, power, and provide a "more votable ending." Our source, speaking off the record, said that Whedon, no fan of the Trump administration or Paul Ryan, was enticed to take the job both for the challenge and because loved ones were being held hostage and exposed to heavy doses of Ted Cruz's face.
"They've got them in a little room under ground somewhere and they turn on the TV and it's just Ted's face for, like three hours. Joss will do anything to get them out of there--if it's not already too late."
The work, however, was said to be compelling.
"The bill was a mess," our contact said. "Look, we all know that after the credits roll, it's tax-breaks for the rich and poor people need to hope they don't get sick--but it's how you get there. To sell this thing, we need a bad-guy--coastal elites? The Media? Someone the American people can feel good about hating--and we need a solid protagonist."
Whedon was said to be imagining a terminally ill--but very attractive female lead crossing a damaged American Wasteland by motorcycle looking for the one hope that could possibly save her--Paul Ryan's bill.
"You've gotta root for her," our source said. "Imagine that you are her--"
Ryan picked Whedon because he is a fan of Whedon's work.
"Oh he totally thinks he's the hero in all those stories," our source explained. "He'd be Riley in Buffy. He'd be, like Hawkeye or something in Avengers. That's who he thinks he is. He wants all those references woven in to the bill so that it speaks to people--you know--from the heart."
When asked if the bill would actually result in fewer people insured, the source was considered. "Well, of course. I mean--Ryan knows that--but in his mind Whedon makes that a necessity--like to save the Republic you have to, I don't know, trim the fat? Right? Make some sacrifices? Hard choices? So he needs Whedon to sell people those choices. Ryan is the hero here--he's the one who has to bear the heavy cross of kids not getting their medicine or people languishing sick--that's on him--but he's sympathetic, you know? There's just no other way."
"So he needs Whedon to make that work. We think with the revised bill everyone will be able to come together and buy in."
When asked what the problem with the first version was, our source was blunt: "Everyone read Ryan as the villain," he said. "It drove him nuts. He was like 'You Don't Read Galt as the Villain,'" he recounted, describing a furious Ryan waving a dog-eared copy of Atlas Shrugged.
"We tried to tell him that, you know, today a lot of people do think Rand had to kinda tie herself into knots to make Galt the hero--paint an evil caricature of government--But Ryan kept saying it was accurate. He was hard to convince: everything that Rand described in her book, someone in the Trump admin was actually doing--so we, you know--we had to change the dialog. Change the script."
The new bill, which will be titled "Making Healthcare Great Again" should be ready for review in the next few days.