Reports from Capitol Hill assert that Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (WI-R) "Lost it" today when becoming frustrated with Republican attempts to repeal the Affordable Care Act known as Obamacare. Appearing before congress, Ryan had a display ready for his fellow representatives.
"Folks," Ryan started, revealing a highly modified remote control device, "Today we are repealing this motherfucker." Startled Republicans struggled to realize that by 'motherfucker' Ryan meant Obamacare. Behind him was what some described as "a highly unusual and dangerous looking radiological device."
"This," Ryan said, indicating the device, "is something I call The Repealer. It's 82 fucking megatons of thermonuclear fission-pumped cobalt enriched doomsday device from the Cold War era."
Walking the aisle with his finger on what was thought to be by Capitol security a "hair-trigger deadman's switch," the Speaker of the House explained further. "We have heard the sob-stories--Oh, I'm going to die of CANCER. Oh, the kids will be left without a mother and father, and Ohhh, Obamacare saved my worthless life."
"I know these stories, these angry people at your FUCKING TOWN HALLS--have your collective PANTIES IN A KNOT," Paul Ryan said, according to transcript. "But I'm here to tell you that the time for you to be thinking about slinking across that aisle is over. We. Are. Repealing. This. Motherfucker."
"I see you Tim," Ryan said, speaking of Tim Huselkamp (R-TN), "trying to slide out that door--get to minimum safe distance. I see you--" said the Speaker of the House. "Take one more step and I'll flash-fry your testicles with 10-thousand REMS of Radiation before you make it to the elevators. That's right. Sit your TEA PARTY ASS BACK DOWN."
"Now, we have heard," he told the collected representatives, gesturing in such a way as to set off numerous warning lights on the strange device, "that we need to Repeal-And-Replace. There will be NO replacement. It's time our country learned the lessons Ayn Rand was trying to teach us. No. Free. Lunch. If a man cannot afford his life then he can afford to DIE!"
Ryan, appearing agitated, looked over the collected, cowering representatives. "You're afraid of LOSING YOUR SEATS? If I press this button every SEAT IN THIS HOUSE GETS VAPORIZED. So now--what are we going to do?"
He paused "WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO??"
"REPEAL," shouted a suddenly enthusiastic crowd of House Republicans.
"Are we GOING TO REPLACE?"
"Have we found our SPINES?" he asked, using his P90-X augmented body to lift Kansas representative Lynn Jinkins by the throat and dash her against one of the desks.
"Yes! No! Wait, what?" shouted confused Representatives. "H-have we?" they asked in unison.
"No," said Speaker Ryan, with a sneer. "But I have."
The House voted to day by a 62% margin to completely repeal Obamacare. The bill will now go to the Senate.