Bryant and Bobby Buscom were captured Saturday, attempting to flee Sweden with falsified passports. The brothers, the primary suspects in the Bowling Green Massacre have been sought by international anti-terror forces since January 29th, 2017.
The two men, wearing Make America Great Again t-shirts and hats were described as unrepentant freedom-fighters who were taking arms against the satanic pedophile rings that run the Western World. Citing InfoWars and the Trump administration, the men claimed that the cover-ups, starting in Bowling Green--but extending through Washington pizzerias and into "Muslim Dominated" Europe was working to crush America, the Constitution, and their 2nd Amendment Rights.
Kellyanne Conway, speaking on behalf of the president, announced today that, contrary to prior statements there had been NO Bowling Green Massacre and NO Swedish Terror attack. Contradicting the president who had told a crowd of 9000, just hours before, she indicated that Mainstream Media was creating the so-called fake-news attacks in order to smear the administration.
"Our enemies in the press will do anything to try to paint this administration as radical," Conway intoned. "It's clear to everyone watching that there was no such attack--and if there were, it would have been carried out Radical Islamist Jihadis. Let me repeat that--because our last president couldn't say the words: Radical Islam would have been responsible had there been a massacre--which there was not."
Even more confusingly, Press Secretary Sean Spicer was forced to reverse course during an impromptu press conference where he claimed that Islamic Terrorists had been responsible for both the Mosque shooting in Canada and the Swedish attack. He then, receiving a text on an unsecured Android phone, seemed to alter his statement saying that no such attack had taken place.
It was unclear as to whether the meant the Swedish Massacre, the Canadian Mosque attack, or both. He quickly backpedaled and accidentally tweeted his Twitter password before ducking behind a curtain.
For our part, we believe that there is a Mainstream Media attempt to conceal the true nature of the Bowling Green Massacre which has been blotted out from the national psyche due to a kind of trauma rarely seen in international events. The Trump White House is struggling to get to the bottom of this--but our editorial stance is that, given the apparent confusion about real or imaginary terror attacks in the nation's federal government, perhaps we should shut the whole thing down until we can tell what, exactly, is going on.